Actorum Nomina
GLISTER, a doctor of physic
[Peter] PURGE, a jealous pothecary
DRYFAT, a merchant, a Brother of the Family
GERARDINE, a lover
[Laurence] LIPSALVE }
[Gregory] GUDGEON } two gallants that only pursue city lechery
CLUB, a prentice
VIAL, a servant to Glister
[SHRIMP] }
PERIWINKLE } pages to the gallants
MISTRESS GLISTER
MISTRESS [Rebecca] PURGE, an Elder in the Family
MARIA, niece to Glister
[SERVANTS]
Enter Glister, his wife, and Maria.
GLISTER
Tricks and shows: protestations with men are like tears with women,
forgot ere the cheek be dry. Gerardine is a gentleman; his lands
be in statutes: 'a is not for thee, nor thou for him; 'a is a
gallant, and young thoughts be most unconstant.
MARIA
Yet young vines yield most wine.
MISTRESS GLISTER
But old vines the best. Believe not these great-breeched gallants;
they love for profit, not for affection; if 'a brings thee to
a fool's paradise, 'a will forsake thee.
GLISTER
Which fortune God send my enemy. Love is a cold heat, a bitter
sweet, a pleasure full of pain, a huge loss, and no gain. Why
shouldst thou love him only ?
MARIA
Words cannot force what destiny hath seal'd.
Who can resist the influence of his stars,
Or give a reason why 'a loves or hates,
Since our affections are not rul'd by will,
But will by our affections? 'Tis blasphemy
'Gainst love's most sacred deity, to axe
Why we do love, since 'tis his only power
That sways all our affections; all things which be,
Beasts, birds, men, gods, pay him their fealty.
GLISTER
Tut, love is an idle fantasy, bred by desire, nursed by delight,
an humour that begins his dominion in Leo the Lion, the sign of
the heart, and ends in Aries the Ram, the sign of the head; his
power is to stir the blood, pricks up the flesh, fills all the
body with a libidinous humour, and is indeed the overture of all
ladies. Which to prevent, I have banished Gerardine, your dearly
beloved, my house; and as for you, since I am your guardian by
my brother's last will, I will sequester you from all other rooms
in my house, save this gallery and your upper chamber, till in
discretion I shall find it convenient to enlarge you.
MARIA
My body you may circumscribe, confine
And keep in bounds; but my unlimited love
Extends itself beyond all circumscription.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Believe me, Maria, I have known the natures of divers of these
gallants: if they possess the unlimited love of us women in never
so ample manner, without the society of the body, I know how soon
their love vadeth. Young men's love is like ivy: it must have
somewhat to cleave to, or it never prospers. Love is like fasting-days, but the body is like flesh-days; and 'tis our English
gallants' fashion to prefer a morsel of flesh before all the fasting-days in the whole year.
Enter Vial.
GLISTER
The news with you, Vial?
VIAL
And it like your worship, here's Club, Master Purge the pothecary's
prentice, come to invite you, my mistress and Mistress Maria to
supper, and to see Master Gerardine's will sealed.
GLISTER
Tell Club my wife and myself will be there, but Maria shall not
come.
Exit Vial.
There must be your sweetheart's parting feast: now 'a perceives no access to my house, 'a will to sea. A good riddance: if 'a returns not, you forsooth are his heir, that's not much amiss. Yet there may be tricks; I will not be overreached. Come to your chamber, where till my return you shall be in safe custody.
[Exit with Mistress Glister.]
MARIA
0 silly men, which seek to keep in awe
Women's affections, which can know no law!
Maria ascends [to the upper stage].
[I.ii. A street before Glister's house.]
Enter Gerardine, Lipsalve and Gudgeon.
LIPSALVE
Now, by the horns of Cupid's bow, which hath been the bane to
many a tall citizen, I think there be no finer fools under heaven than we men when we are lovers. How thou goest crying up and down with thy arms across for a wife; which hadst thou, she'd
cross both arms, head and heart. Dost not yet know the old saying,
a wife brings but two good days, that is her wedding-day, and
death-day?
GUDGEON
Believe him, Gerardine, 'a speaks now gospel; a man may take more
wife with one hand than he's able to put away with ten, G[erardine].
A wife is such a cross, that all married men would most gladly
be rid of.
GERARDINE
And yet such [a] cross that all bachelors would gladly be creeping
to.
Profane not thus the sacred name of love,
You libertines, who never knew the joys
Nor precious thoughts of two consenting hearts.
LIPSALVE
Didst ever see the true picture of a lover? I can give thee the
hieroglyphic; and this it is: a man standing naked, a wench tickling
him on the left side with a feather and pricking him under the
right side with a needle. The allegory, as I take, is this: that
at the first we are so overjoyed with obtaining a wife, that we
conceit no heaven like to the first night's lodging; and that's
the signification of the left side, for wives always in the night
take the left-side place. But sir, now come to the needle on
the right side: that's the day-time, wherein she commands; then,
sir, she has a certain thing called tongue, ten times more sharp
than a needle, and that at the least displeasure a man must have
shot quite through him.
GUDGEON
Gramercies, Lipsalve, my neat courtier! But sirrah Gerardine,
be thyself sociable and free, leave not thy native soil for a
giglot, a wench who in her wit is proud--
LIPSALVE
In her smile deceitful--
GUDGEON
In her hate revengeable--
LIPSALVE
And in nothing but her death acceptable. I'll tell thee, there's
no creature more desirous of an honest name and worse keeps it,
than a woman. Dost hear? Follow this song, and if ever thou
forsake thy country for a wagtail, let me be whipped to death
with ladies' hair-laces.
GERARDINE
Let's hear that worthy song, gentle Master Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
Observe:
GERARDINE
No more, no more.
This is the chamber which confines my love,
This is the abstract of the spacious world.
Within it holds a gem so rich, so rare,
That art or nature never yet could set
A valued price to her invalued worth.
LIPSALVE
Unvalued worth? ha, ha, ha! Why, she's but
A woman, and they are windy turning vanes:
Love light as chaff, which when our nourishing grains
Are winnow'd from them, unconstantly they fly
At the least wind of passion. A woman's eye
Can turn itself with quick dexterity
And in each wanton glass can comprehend
Their sundry fancy suited to each [friend].
Tut, their loves are all compact of levity
Even like themselves: nil muliere levius.
GUDGEON
Tut, man, everyone knows their worth when they are at a rack-rent. In the term-time they bear as great a price as wheat
when transportations are--
Enter Maria at the window.
GERARDINE
Peace; let's draw near the window and listen if we may hear her.
MARIA
Debarr'd of liberty! 0, that this flesh
Could like swift-moving thoughts transfer itself
From place to place, unseen and undissolv'd:
Then should no iron ribs or churlish flint
Divide my love and me. Dear Gerardine,
Despite of chance or guardian's tyranny,
I'd move within thy orb and thou in mine.
LIPSALVE
She'd move within thy orb, and thou in hers?
Blood, she talk[s] bawdy to herself. Gudgeon, stand close.
MARIA
But in vain do I proclaim my grief,
When air and walls can yield me no relief.
GUDGEON
[Aside to Lipsalve] The walls are the more stony-hearted
then.
LIPSALVE
[Aside to Gudgeon] Peace, good Gudgeon, gape not so loud.
MARIA
Come thou my best companion, thou art sensible
And canst my wrongs reiterate; thou and I
Will make some mirth in spite of tyranny.
The black-brow'd night, drawn in her [pitchy] wain,
In starry-spangled pride rides now o'er heaven;
Now is the time when stealing minutes tell
The stole delight joy'd by all faithful lovers;
Now loving souls contrive both place and means
For wished pastimes; only I am pent
Within the closure of this fatal wall,
Depriv'd of all my joys.
GERARDINE
My dear Maria, be comforted in this:
The frame of heaven shall sooner cease to move,
Bright Phoebus' steeds leave their diurnal race
And all that is forsake their natural being,
Ere I forget thy love.
MARIA
Who's that protests so fast?
GERARDINE
Thy ever-vowed servant, Gerardine.
MARIA
0, by your vows it seems you'd fain get up.
LIPSALVE
[Aside to Gudgeon] Ay, and ride too.
GERARDINE
I would, most lov'd Maria.
[GUDGEON]
[Aside to Lipsalve] I knew it: he that to get up to a fair woman
will stick to vow and swear, may be accounted no man.
MARIA
But tell me
Why hast thou chose this hour to visit me,
Which nor the day nor night can claim, but both
Or neither? Why in this twilight cam'st thou?
GERARDINE
T' avoid suspicious eyes; I come, dear love,
To take my last farewell: fitting this hour,
Which nor bright day will claim nor pitchy night,
An hour fit to part conjoined souls.
Since that my native soil will not afford
My wish'd and best content, I will forsake it
And prove more strange to it than it to me.
In time's swift course all things shall find event
Be it good or ill; and destinies do grant
That most preposterous courses often gain
What labour and direct proceedings miss.
MARIA
Wo't thou forsake me then?
GERARDINE
Let first blest life forsake me! Be constant;
My absence may procure thy more enlarge
And then--
MARIA
Desire's conceit is quick, I apprehend thee.
Be thou as loyal as I constant prove,
And time shall knit our mutual knot of love:
Wear this, my love's true pledge. I need not wish,
I know thou wo't return, [n]or will I say
Thou may'st conceal thyself, being return'd,
Till I may make escape, and visit thee.
I prithee, love, attempt not to ascend
My chamber-window by a [ladder'd] rope.
Th' entrance is too narrow, except this post
Which may with ease, yet that is dangerous:
I prithee do it not. I hear some call. Farewell:
My constant love let after-actions tell.
Exit.
GERARDINE
0 perfection of women!
[LIPSALVE]
A plague of such perfection!
GERARDINE
How she woos!
By negatives shows--
GUDGEON
Thee what to do, under colour of dissuasion.
GERARDINE
She's truly virtuous!
LIPSALVE
Tut, man, outward apparance is no authentic instance of the inward
desires. Women have sharp falcon's eyes, and can soar aloft;
but keep them like falcons from flesh, and they soon stoop to
a gaudy lure.
GERARDINE
Why, then Huguenot women are admirable angels.
GUDGEON
But angels make them admirable devils.
GERARDINE
My love's chaste smile to all the world doth speak
Her spotless innocence.
LIPSALVE
Women's smiles are more of custom than of courtesy. Women are
creatures: their hearts and they are full of holes, apt to receive,
but not retain affection. Thou wilt tomorrow thou sayest be gone:
if thou wilt know the worst of a country's, marry before thou
goest; for if thou canst endure a curst wife, never care what
company thou comest in.
GERARDINE
Come, merry gallants, will you associate me to my cousin Purge's
the pothecary's and take part of my parting feasts tonight?
GUDGEON
0, his wife is of the Family of Love, I'll thither: perhaps I
may prove of the fraternity in time; we'll thither, that's flat.
Exeunt.
[I.iii. A room in Purge's house.]
Enter Mistress Purge.
[MISTRESS PURGE]
What, Club, Club! Is Club within there?
Enter Club.
CLUB
Mistress?
MISTRESS PURGE
I pray, what said Master Doctor Glister, will 'a come?
CLUB
'A sent word 'a would, for 'a was but to carry a diet to one of his patients: what call you her? She that paints a day-times, and looks fair and fresh on the outside, but in the night-time is filthier than the inside of Bocardo, and is indeed far more unsavoury [to those] that know her, forsooth.
MISTRESS PURGE
Went 'a to her?
CLUB
'A had a receipt for the grincomes in his hand, and 'a said 'a
would take that in his way.
MISTRESS PURGE
'Tis well; and what guest besides him and his wife will be here
at supper?
CLUB
The first in my account is Master Gerardine your cousin, Master Doctor Glister and his wife, Master Dryfat the merchant, Master Lipsalve the courtier, Master Gudgeon the gallant, and their pages. These I take will be your full number.
MISTRESS PURGE
Then belike my room shall be stuffed with courtiers and gallants tonight. Of all men I love not these gallants: they'll prate much but do little; they are people most uncertain: they use great words, but little sense; great beards, but little wit; great breeches, but no money.
CLUB
That was the last thing they swore away.
MISTRESS PURGE
Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing, for if they could, there's not a page of theirs but would be as rich as a monarch.
CLUB
There's nothing, mistress, that is sworn out of date that returns.
Their first oath in times past was "by the mass", and
that they have sworn quite away; then came they to their faith,
"as by my faith, 'tis so": that in a short time was
sworn away too, for no man believes now more than 'a sees; then
they swore "by their honesties", and that, mistress,
you know is sworn quite away; after their honesties was gone,
then came they to their gentility, and swore "as they were
gentlemen": and their gentility they swore away so fast,
that they had almost sworn away all the ancient gentry out of
the land, which indeed are scarce missed, for that yeomen and
farmers' sons, with the help of a few Welshmen, have undertook
to supply their places; that at the last they came to silver,
and their oath was "by the cross of this silver": and
swore so fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a
cross for to swear by.
MISTRESS PURGE
And what do they swear by now their money is gone?
CLUB
Why, by [ ] and "God refuse them."
MISTRESS PURGE
And can they not as well say men refuse them, as God refuse them?
CLUB
No, mistress, for men, especially citizens and rich men, have
refused them their bonds and protestations already.
Enter Purge.
MISTRESS PURGE
'Tis well; see how supper goes forward, and that my shoes be very
well blacked against I go to the Family.
Exit Club.
Now, sweet chick, where hast thou been? In troth, la, I am not
well; I had thought to have spent the morning at the Family, but
now I am resolved to take pills, and therefore I pray thee desire
Doctor Glister that 'a would minister to me in the morning.
PURGE
Thy will is known; and this for answer say,
'Tis fit that wise men should their wives obey.
And now, sweet duck, know I have been for my cousin Gerardine's
will and have it: 'a has given thee a legacy, but the total is
Maria's.
Enter Glister, Dryfat and Mistress Glister.
Master Doctor, your wife and Master Dryfat are most welcome; now
were my cousin Gerardine and Master Lipsalve here, our
number were complete.
GLISTER
Is this frantic will done? will Master Gerardine to sea? Let me
tell you I am no whit sorry; let such as will be headstrong bite
on the bridle.
PURGE
'Tis here, Master Doctor; all his worth is Maria's and locked
in a trunk, which by tomorrow sun shall be delivered to your custody.
DRYFAT
Methinks 'twere a reasonable match to bestow your niece on Master
Gerardine: 'a is a most hopeful gentleman, and his revenue such,
that having your niece's portion to clear it of all incumbrances,
'twill maintain them both in a very worthy degree.
GLISTER
Tut, you are Master Dryfat the merchant; your skill is greater
in cony-skins and woolpacks than in gentlemen. His lands be in
statutes; you merchants were wont to be merchant staplers, but
now gentlemen have gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman
amongst twenty but his land be engaged in twenty statutes staple.
Enter Lipsalve, Gerardine and Gudgeon.
LIPSALVE
PURGE
Your stay, gentlemen, does wrong to a great many of good stomachs;
your suppers expect you.
GUDGEON
And we our suppers.
GLISTER
And from what good exercise come you three?
GERARDINE
From a play, where we saw most excellent Sampson excel the whole
world in gate-carrying.
DRYFAT
Was it performed by the youths?
LIPSALVE:
By youths? Why, I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I hope 'tis not
for youths to play Sampson. Believe it, we saw Sampson bear the
town-gates on his neck from the lower to the upper stage, with
that life and admirable accord that it shall never be equalled,
unless the whole new livery of porters set their shoulders.
MISTRESS PURGE
Fie, fie, 'tis pity young gentlemen can bestow their time no better;
this playing is not lawful, for I cannot find that either plays
or players were allowed in the prime church of Ephesus by the
elders.
DRYFAT
Aha, I think she tickled you there.
PURGE
Cousin Gerardine, shall the will be read before supper?
GERARDINE
Before supper, I beseech you.
LIPSALVE
Ay, ay, before supper, for when these women's bellies be full,
their bones will be soon at rest.
DRYFAT
Well, Master Doctor, pity the state of a poor gentleman: it is
in you to stay his journey, and make him and yourself happy in
his choice.
GLISTER
Hold you content. Shall this will be read?
PURGE
It shall. Read you, good Master Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
Command silence then.
GUDGEON
Silence.
LIPSALVE
[Reading the will] "In the name of God, amen. Know
all men by these presents that I Gerardine, being strong of body
and perfect in sense--"
DRYFAT
That's false, there's no lover in his perfect sense.
GUDGEON
Peace, Dryfat.
LIPSALVE
"Do give and grant to Maria Glister, daughter of John Glister,
and niece to Doctor Glister, physician, all my leases, lands,
chattels, goods and moveables whatsoever." This is stark
naught: you cannot give away your moveables, for Mistress Doctor
and Mistress Purge claim both shares in your moveables by reason
of their legacies.
DRYFAT
That's true, for their legacies must go out of your moveables.
LIPSALVE
Ay, put it in: "all my moveables, these following legacies
being paid."
GERARDINE:
Do so, good Master Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
[Writes.] 'Tis done.
MISTRESS PURGE
I pray read only the legacies, for supper stays.
LIPSALVE
Well, the legacies: "First, I give to my cousin, Mistress
Purge, a fair large standing--" What's this? O, cup: "a
fair large standing cup, with a closestool."
DRYFAT
'Tis not so, 'tis not so.
LIPSALVE
I cry you mercy: "a close cover" 'tis. "To Mistress
Doctor I give a fair bodkin of gold, with two orient pearls attending
the same: all which are in my trunk to be delivered to the keeping
of Maria. In witness, &c." Is this your will?
GERARDINE
'Tis.
LIPSALVE
To it with your hand and seal.
[Gerardine signs and seals the will.]
MISTRESS PURGE
[Aside to Purge] How is it, chick, I must have the standing
cup, and Mistress Glister the bodkin?
PURGE
[Aside to Mistress Purge] Right, sweet duck.
GERARDINE
I pray, gentlemen, put to your hands.
DRYFAT
Come, your fists, gentlemen, your fists.
GERARDINE
[Aside, while the witnesses sign the will] Mistress Glister,
I have found you always more flexible to understand the estate
of a poor gentleman than your husband was willing; therefore I
have thought it a point of charity to reveal the wrongs you [sustain]
by your husband's looseness. Let me tell you in private that
the doctor cuckolds Purge oftener than he visits one of his patients;
what 'a spares from you 'a spends lavishly on her. These pothecaries
are a kind of panders; look to it: if 'a keep Maria long close,
it is for some lascivious end of his own.
MISTRESS GLISTER
She is his niece.
GERARDINE
Tut, these doctors have tricks. Your niceness is such that you
can endure no polluted [shoes] in your house; take heed lest 'a
make you a bawd before your time, look to it.
LIPSALVE
Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies. Shall's now to
supper? We'll have a health go round to thy voyage.
GUDGEON
Ay, and to all that forswear marriage, and can be content with
other men's wives.
GERARDINE
Of which consort you two are grounds: one touches the bass, and the other tickles the minikin.
But to our cheer; come, gentles, let's away,
The roast meat's in consumption by our stay.
Exeunt.
[II.i. A room in Purge's house.]
Enter Purge.
PURGE
The grey-eyed morning braves me to my face, and calls me sluggard;
'tis time for tradesmen to be in their shops, for he that tends
well his shop, and hath an alluring wife with a graceful "what
d'ye lack" shall be sure to have good doings, and good doings
is that that crowns so many citizens with the horns of abundance.
My wife, by ordinary course, should this morning have been at
the Family, but now her soft pillow hath given her counsel to
keep her bed. Master Doctor should indeed minister to her: to
whose pills she is so much accustomed, that now her body looks
for them as duly as the moon shakes off the old and borrows new
horns. I smile to myself to hear our knights and gallants say
how they gull us citizens, when indeed we gull them, or rather
they gull themselves. Here they come in term-time, hire chambers,
and perhaps kiss our wives: well, what lose I by that? God's
blessing on's heart, I say still, that makes much of my wife;
for they were very hard-favoured that none could find in's heart
to love but ourselves. Drugs would be dog-cheap, but for my private
well-practised doctor and such customers. Tut, jealousy is a
hell, and they that will thrive must utter their wares as they
can, and wink at small faults.
Exit.
Enter Glister.
GLISTER
The tedious night is past, and the jocund morn looks more lively
and fresh than an old gentlewoman's glazed face in a new periwig.
By this time my humorous lover is at Gravesend, and I go with
more joy to fetch his trunk than ever the valiant Trojans did
to draw in the Grecian jade; his gods shall into the walls of my
Troy, and be offered to a face more [lovely] than ever was that thrice-ravished Helen: yet with such caution that no danger shall
happen to me.
Exit.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon at several doors with their pages, Shrimp and Periwinkle.
GUDGEON
Master Lipsalve, welcome within ken; we two are so nearly linked,
that if thou beest absent but one two hours, thy acquaintance
grows almost mouldy in my memory.
LIPSALVE
And [thine] fly-blown in mine; how dost thou do?
SHRIMP
Fellow page, I think our acquaintance runs low too; but if it
run not o' the lees, let's set it a-tilt, and give 'em some dregs
to their mouldy, fly-blown compliments.
PERIWINKLE
No, rather let's pierce the rundlets of our running heads, and
give 'em a neat cup of wagship to put down their courtship.
SHRIMP
Courtship? cartship: for the tongues of complimenters run on wheels.
But mark 'em, they ha' not done yet.
GUDGEON
And i'faith how is't? Methinks thou hast been a long vagrant.
LIPSALVE
The rogation hath been long indeed: therefore we may salute as
ceremoniously as lawyers when they meet after a long vacation,
who, to renew the discontinued state tale, they stretch it out
with such length, that whilst they greet before, their clients
kiss them behind.
SHRIMP
If his nose were put i' the remainder of that state tale, he would
say 'twere an unsavoury one.
PERIWINKLE
I wonder why many men gird so at the law.
SHRIMP
I'll tell thee, because they themselves have neither law nor conscience.
GUDGEON
But what news now? How stands the state of things at Brussels?
LIPSALVE
Faith, weak and limber, weak and limber; nothing but pride and
double-dealing. Virtue is vice's lackey; beggars suck like horse-leeches at the heart of bounty, and [leaves him] so tired
and spur-galled that he can be no longer ridden with honesty.
GUDGEON
Well fare the city yet. There virtue rides a cock-horse, cherished
and kept warm in good sables and fox-fur, and with the breath
of his nostrils drives pride and covetousness before him, like's
own shadow. Beggars have whipping cheer: bounty obliges men to't,
[and liberality gives money for scrips and scrolls, sealed] with
strong arms and heraldry to outlive mortality. Love there will
see the last man born, never give over while there's an arrow
i' th' quiver.
LIPSALVE
Now we talk of love, I do know not far hence so good a subject
for that humour, that if she would wear but the standing collar
and her things in fashion, our ladies in the court were but brown
sugar-candy, as gross as grocery to her.
GUDGEON
She is not so sweet as a pothecary's shop, is she?
LIPSALVE
A plague on you, ha' you so good a scent? [Aside] For
my life, he's my rival.
GUDGEON
Her name begins with Mistress Purge, does it not?
LIPSALVE
True, the only comet of the city.
GUDGEON
Ay, if she would let her ruffs stream out a little wider; but
I am sure she is ominous to me: she makes civil wars and insurrections
in the state of my stomach. I had thought to have bound myself
from love, but her purging comfits makes me loose-bodied still.
LIPSALVE
What, has she ministered to thee then?
GUDGEON
Faith, some lectuary or so.
LIPSALVE
Ay, I fear she takes too much of that lectuary to stoop to love; it keeps her body soluble from sin: she is not troubled with carnal
crudities nor the binding of the flesh.
GUDGEON
Thou hast sounded her then, belike.
LIPSALVE
Not I, I am too shallow to sound her, she's out of my element.
If I show passion and discourse of love to her, she tells me
I am wide from the right scope; she says she has another object,
and aims at a better love than mine.
GUDGEON
0, that's her husband.
LIPSALVE
No, no, she speaks pure devotion; she's impenetrable: no gold
or oratory, no virtue in herbs nor no physic will make her love.
GUDGEON
More is the pity, I say, that fair women should prove saints before
age had made them crooked. [Aside] 'Tis my luck to be
crossed still, but I must not give over the chase.
LIPSALVE
Come hither, boy, while I think on't
Lipsalve and Shrimp confer.
GUDGEON
[Aside] Faith, friend Lipsalve, I perceive you would fain
play with my love. A pure creature 'tis, for whom I have sought
every angle of my brain; but either she scorns courtiers as most
of them do, because they are given to boast of their doings, or
else she's exceeding strait-laced. Therefore to prevent this
smell-smock, I'll to my friend Doctor Glister, a man exquisite
in th' art magic, who hath told me of many rare experiments available
in this case.--Farewell, friend Lipsalve.
LIPSALVE
Adieu, honest Gregory; frequent my lodging, I have a viol de gambo
and good tobacco.
Exeunt Gudgeon and Periwinkle.
Thou wilt do this feat, boy?
SHRIMP
Else knock my head and my pate together.
LIPSALVE
Away then; bid him bring his measure with him.
Exit Shrimp.
Gerardine is travelled, and I must needs be cast into his mould.
My flesh grows proud, and Maria's a sweet wench, &c. But
yet I must not let fall my suit with Mistress Purge, lest, sede
vacante, my friend Gudgeon join issue:
I'll rather to my learned doctor for a spell,
For I have a fire in my liver burns like hell.
Exit.
[II.iv. A room in Glister's house.]
Enter Mistress Glister and Maria.
MISTRESS GLISTER
[To a servant offstage] I pray let's have no polluted
feet nor rheumatic chaps enter the house; I shall have my floor
look more greasy shortly than one of your inn-of-court dining-tables.
[To Maria] And now to you, good niece, I bend my speech:
let me tell you plainly, you are a fool to be love-sick for any
man longer than he is in your company; are you so ignorant in
the rules of courtship, to think any one man to bear all the prick
and praise? I tell thee, be he never so proper, there is another
to second him.
MARIA
Let rules of courtship be authentic still
To such as do pursue variety;
But unto those whose modest thoughts do tend
To honour'd nuptials and a regular life,
As far from show of niceness as from that
Of impure thoughts, all other objects seem
Respectless, of no proportion, balanc'd with esteem
Of what their souls affect.
MISTRESS GLISTER
No marvel sure you should regard these men with such reverend
opinion: there's few good faces and fewer graces in any of them;
if one among a multitude have a good pair of legs, he never leaves
riding the ring till he has quite marred the proportion. Nay,
some, as I have heard, wanting lineaments to their liking and
calf to support themselves, are fain to use art, and supply themselves
with quilted calves, which oftentimes in revelling fall about
their ankles; and for their behaviour, wit and discourse (except
some few that are travelled) it is as imperfectious and silly
as your scholars new come from the university. By this light,
I think we lose part of our happiness when we make these weathercocks
our equals.
MARIA
Disgrace not that for which our sect was made,
Society in nuptial beds; above these joys
Which lovers taste when their conjoined lips
Suck forth each other's souls, the earth, the air,
Yea gods themselves, know none. Elysiums sweet,
Ay, all that bliss which poets' pens describe,
Are only known when soft and amorous folds
Entwine the corps of two united lovers,
Where what they wish they have, yet still desire,
And sweets are known without [satiety].
Enter [Vial].
[VIAL]
Here's Club, forsooth, and his fellow prentice have brought Master
Gerardine's trunk.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Let them come in if their feet be clean.
Exit Vial.
So then, your best-beloved is gone: fair weather after him! All
thy passions go with him. Recomfort thyself, wench, in a better
choice: his love to thee would have been of no longer continuance
than the untrussing of his hose; then why shouldst thou pine for
such a one?
MARIA
[Aside] She's foolish sure; with what imperfect phrase
And shallow wit she answers me.
Enter Club and another, with the trunk.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Honest Club, welcome; is this Master Gerardine's trunk? He is
gone then?
CLUB
Ay, indeed, Mistress Glister, he is departed this transitory city,
but his whole substance is here enclosed; which, by command, we
here deliver to your custody, to the use of Mistress Maria, according
to the tenor of the premises.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Place it here, my honest Club, well done. And how does thy mistress?
Was she at the Family today?
[Club spits.]
Spit not, good Club, I cannot abide it.
CLUB
Not today, forsooth: she hath over-charged herself and her memory;
she means to use a moderation, and take no more than she can make
use of.
MISTRESS GLISTER
And I prithee, Club, what kind of creatures are these Familists?
Thou art conversant with them.
CLUB
What are they? With reverence be it spoken, they are the most
accomplished creatures under heaven; in them is all perfection.
MISTRESS GLISTER
As how, good Club?
CLUB
Omitting their outward graces, I'll show you only one instance,
which includes all other: they love their neighbours better than
themselves.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Not than themselves, Club.
CLUB
Yes, better than themselves, for they love them better than their
husbands, and husband and wife are all one; therefore better than
themselves.
MISTRESS GLISTER
This is logic. But tell me, doth she not endeavour to bring my
doctor of her side and fraternity?
CLUB
Let him resolve that himself, for here he comes.
Enter Glister.
GLISTER
0, hast thou brought the trunk, honest Club? I commend thy honest
care; here's for thy pains.
CLUB
I thank you, Master Doctor, you are free and liberal still; you'll
command me nothing back?
GLISTER
Nothing but commendations; farewell.
Exit Club.
Your sweetheart Gerardine is by this time cold of his hope to
enjoy thee: he's gone, and a more equal and able husband shall
my care ere long provide thee. What clients have been here in
my absence, wife?
MISTRESS GLISTER
Faith, mouse, none that I know more than an old woman that had
lost her cat, and came to you for a spell in the recovery.
GLISTER
I think egregious ignorance will go near to save this age; their
blindness takes me for a conjuror. Yesterday a justice of peace
salutes me with proffer of a brace of angels to help him to his
footcloth, some three days before stolen, and was fain to use
his man's cloak instead on't.
Enter Vial.
[VIAL]
Here's a gentleman craves speech with you, sir.
GLISTER
Go in, sweet wife, and give my niece good counsel.
Exeunt Mistress Glister and Maria.
His name?
[VIAL]
He will not tell it me.
GLISTER
His countenance?
[VIAL]
I can see nothing but his eyes; the rest of him is so wrapped
in cloak that it suffers no view.
GLISTER
Admit him.
Exit Vial.
Enter Lipsalve.
What, Master Lipsalve, is't you? Why thus obscured? What discontent
overshadows you?
LIPSALVE
A discontent indeed, Master Doctor, which to shake off I must
have you extend your art to the utmost bounds. You physicians
are as good as false doors behind hangings to ladies' necessary
uses: you know the very hour in which they have neither will to
deny nor wit to mistrust; faith now, by the way, when are women
most apt?
GLISTER
Shall I unbutton myself unto you? After the receipt of a purgation,
for then are their pores most open. But what creature of a courtier
is it hath drawn your head into the woodcock's noose?
LIPSALVE
A courtier? Nay, by this flesh, I am clean fallen out with them;
they have nothing proportionable.
GLISTER
0, I perceive, then 'tis some city star that attracts your aspect.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] He knows by his art.--In plain terms, a certain
pothecary's wife.
GLISTER
Upon my life, Master Purge; I smell you, sir.
LIPSALVE
You may smell a man after a purgation indeed; sir, 'tis she.
Now, for that fame hath bruited you to be a man expert in necromancy,
I would [endear] myself to you for ever, would you vouchsafe to
let one of your spirits bring Mistress Purge into some convenient
place, where I might enjoy her. I have heard of the like; can
you perform this?
GLISTER
With much facility, I assure you; but you must understand that
the apparition of a spirit is dreadful, and withal covetous, and
with no small sum of gold hired to such feats.
[Enter Vial.]
[VIAL]
Sir, here's another gentleman, muffled too, that desires present
conference with you.
GLISTER
Walk you into that room; I will bethink myself for your good,
and instantly resolve you.
Exit Lipsalve.
Let the gentleman come in.
Exit Vial.
Lipsalve in love with my vessel of ease? Come to me to help him to a morsel most affected by mine own palate? No more but so. I have shaped it; the conceit tickles me.
Enter Gugdeon.
Sir, as a stranger I welcome you--what, Master Gudgeon, have I caught you? I thought it was a gallant that walked muffled. Come, let me behold you at full; here are no sergeants, man.
GUDGEON
Master Doctor, this my obscure coming requires an action more
obscure; and, in brief, this 'tis. Sir, you are held a man far
seen in nature's secrets; I know you can effect many things almost
impossible: know then, I love Mistress Purge, and opportunity
favours me not, nor indeed is she so tractable as I expected,
if either by medicine or your art magical you can work her to
my will, I have a poor gallant's reward, sir.
GLISTER
[Aside] That's just nothing.--But how, sir, would you
have me to procure you access to Mistress Purge? You never knew
a physician a bawd.
GUDGEON
Why, by conjuration, I tell you, wherein you are said to be as
well practised as in physic; here's the best part of my present
store to effect it.
GLISTER
Not a penny for myself; but my spirits, indeed they must be fed.
Walk you by here, while I think upon a spell. [Aside]
What mystery should this be? Lipsalve and Gudgeon both in love
with Mistress Purge, and come to me to help 'em by art magic?
'Tis some gullery sure; yet if my invention hold, I'll fit them.--Who's
within there?
Enter [Servant].
Fetch me in all haste two good whips; I think you may have them not far hence.
[Exit Servant.]
[Aside] It shall be so.--Now tell me, Master Gudgeon,
does no man know of your love to Mistress Purge?
GUDGEON
Not a man, by my gentry.
GLISTER
Then, sir, know I'll effect it; but understand withal the apparition
will be most horrid if it appear in his proper form, and will
so amaze and dull your senses, that your appetite will be lost
and weak, though Mistress Purge should attend it naked. Now,
sir, could you name a friend with whom you are most conversant,
in his likeness should the spirit appear.
GUDGEON
Of all men living my conversation is most frequent with Lipsalve
the courtier.
GLISTER
'Tis enough. I'll to my spirit.
Enter [Servant] with whips.
Are these whips come there?
[SERVANT]
Ready here, sir.
GLISTER
[Taking the whips and setting one aside] So, lie thou
there. [Aside] My noble gallants, I'll so firk you.--Sir,
my spirit agrees in Lipsalves shape. Tomorrow, 'twixt the hours
of four and five, shall Mistress Purge be rapt with a whirlwind
into Lipsalve's chamber: that's the fittest place, for by the
break of day Lipsalve shall be mounted and forsake the city for
three days; so my spirit resolves me. Now, sir, by my art, at
that very hour shall his chamber-door fly open; into which boldly
enter in this sort accoutred: put me on a pure clean shirt, leave
off your doublet (for spirits endure nothing polluted), take me
this whip in your hand, [giving him a whip] and being entered
you shall see the spirit in Lipsalve's shape, in the self-same
form that you appear; speak these words here ready written, [giving
him a paper] take three bold steps forward, then whip him
soundly, who straight vanisheth and leaves Mistress Purge to your
will.
GUDGEON
Ay, but shall your spirit come armed with a whip too?
GLISTER
He shall, but have no power to strike.
GUDGEON
Is this infallible? Have you seen the proof?
GLISTER
Probatum, upon my word, I have seen the experience; if
it fail, say I am a fool, and no magician.
GUDGEON
Master Doctor, I would you had some suit at court; by the faith
of a courtier, I would beg it for you. Fare you well, sir; I
shall report of you as I find your charm.
GLISTER
And no otherwise, sir; let me understand how you thrive.
Exit Gudgeon.
Ha, ha, ha! Now to my friend Lipsalve; I must possess him with the same circumstance, wherein I am assured to get perpetual laughter in their follies and my revenge.
Exit. Enter Maria over the trunk.
MARIA
0, which way shall I turn, or shift, or go,
To lose one thought of care? No soothing hope
Gives intermission, or beguiles one hour
Of tedious time, which never will have end,
Whilst love pursues in vain my absent friend.
Thou continent of wealth, whose want of store,
For that it could not peize th' unequal scale
Of avarice, giv'st matter to my moan.
0 dross, the level of insatiate eyes,
The devil's engine and the soul's corrupter,
Thou play'st th' attorney 'gainst the lawful force
Of true affection, dost interpose a bar
'Twixt hearts conjoin'd: curs'd be thy seed of strife,
Whose progress chokes the natural course of life!
Gerardine rising out of the trunk, she seems fearful and flies.
MARIA
0, help, help, help!
GERARDINE
Stay, sweet Maria, I bring thee ample joy
To check that sudden fear; let thy sweet heart,
That constant seat of thy affection,
Repay that blood exhausted from thy veins.
Fear not, sweet wench; I am no apparition,
But the firm substance of thy truest friend:
Know'st thou me now?
MARIA
Gerardine my love?
What unheard-of accident presents
Thy unexpected self, and gives my heart
Matter of joy, mix'd with astonishment?
I thought thou hadst been cabin'd in thy ship,
Not trunk'd within my cruel guardian's house.
GERARDINE
That cruelty gives fuel to desire,
For love suppress'd fares like a raging fire
Which burns all obstacles that stop his course,
And mounts aloft. The ocean in his source
May easier hide himself and be confin'd
Than love can be obscur'd; for in the mind
She holds her seat, and through that heavenly essence
Is near when far remote; her virtual presence
Fills, like the air, all places, gives delight,
Hope in despair, and heart 'gainst fell despite.
That worst of men, thy cruel guardian, may
Keep down awhile, but cannot dissipate
What heaven hath join'd: for fate and providence
Gave me this stratagem, to let him know
That love will creep where 'tis restrain'd to go.
MARIA
I apprehend the rest. 0 rare conceit!
I see thy travel happily was feign'd
To win access, which with small ease thou hast gain'd.
This trunk, which he so greedily supposes
Contains thy substance (as it doth indeed),
Upon thy fair pretence in lieu of love
Bequeath'd to me if death should stop the course,
This trunk, I say, he hugs; sink thou or swim,
So he may feed his wolf, that root of sin,
His avarice; but heaven, that mocks man's might,
Gives this close means t' insist upon our right.
GERARDINE
Ingenious spirit, true oracle of love,
Thou hast prevented me. This was my plot,
Whose end and scope I long to imitate
With accents free, and uncontroll'd with fear.
Does opportunity stand fair?
MARIA
Not now,
Danger stands sentinel.
GERARDINE
Then I'll retire;
We must be cautelous.
MARIA
So, so; and time
Shall not oft turn his hour-glass ere I'll find
Peace and occasion fitting to thy mind.
Exeunt.
Enter Gerardine and Maria.
GERARDINE
The coast is clear, and Argus' wakeful eyes
Securely sleep: time turns to us his front.
Come sweet Maria, of th' auspicious hours
Let's take advantage.
MARIA
With all my heart;
I do embrace the motion with thyself.
Welcome sweet friend to liberty of air,
Which now, methinks, doth promp[t] our breaths to move
Sweet accents of delight, the joys of love.
How dost thou brook thy little-ease, thy trunk?
GERARDINE
That trunk confines this chest; this chest contains
Th' unbounded speculation of our love
Incomprehensible: grief, joy, hope and fears,
Th' affections of my mind, are like the spheres,
Which in their jarring motions do agree,
Through th' influence of love's sweet harmony.
MARIA
Are not inferior bodies here on earth
Produc'd and govern'd by those heavenly ones?
GERARDINE
They are.
MARIA
They jar, you say, yet in that strife maintain
Perpetual league: why should their influence
In rational souls be check'd by erring sense?
Or why should mutual love, confirm'd by heaven,
B' infring'd by men? Methinks 'tis most uneven.
GERARDINE
Thou argu'st well, Maria; and this withal,
That brutes nor animals do prove a thrall
To such servility: souls that are wards
To gold, opinion, or th' undue regards
Of broking men, wolves that in sheepskin bands
Prey on the hearts to join th' unwilling hands,
Ruin fair stocks, when generous houses die,
Or propagate their name with bastardy.
MARIA
Sterility and barrenness ensue
Such forced love; nor shall erroneous men
Pervert my settled thoughts, or turn mine eye
From thy fair object, which I will pursue,
Rich in thy love, proud of this interview.
GERARDINE
I'll suck these accents; let our breaths engender
A generation of such pleasing sounds,
To interchange delights. 0, my blood's on fire!
Sweet, let me give more scope to true desire.
MARIA
What wouldst thou more than our minds' firm contract?
GERARDINE
Tut, words are wind; thought unreduced to [act]
Is but an embryon in the truest sense.
MARIA
I am [beleaguer'd], I had need of sense;
You make me blush: play fair, yet above board.
GERARDINE
Hear me exemplify love's Latin word
Together with thyself,
As thus: hearts join'd, Amore; take A from thence,
Then more is the perfect moral sense:
Plural in manners, which in thee do shine
Saint-like, immortal, spotless and divine.
Take M away, ore in beauty's name
Craves an eternal trophy to thy fame.
Lastly, take 0, in re stands all my rest,
Which I in Chaucer-style do term a jest.
MARIA
You break all modest bounds; away, away!
GERARDINE
So when men come behind do women say.
MARIA
Come, come, I say--
GERARDINE
Ay, that's the word indeed;
Men that come bold before are like to speed.
Enter Lipsalve [disguised as Gerardine,] with Shrimp, his page.
But who comes here? Monstrum horrendum! My nostrils have the rank scent of knavery. Maria, let's remove ourselves to the window, and observe this piece of man's flesh.
LIPSALVE
Now Mistress Maria, ward yourself; if my strong hope fail not,
I shall be with you to bring--
SHRIMP
To bring what, sir? Some more o' your kind?
LIPSALVE
Faith, boy, that's mine aim.
SHRIMP
I'll be sworn, sir, you have a good loose; you let fly at 'em
apace.
LIPSALVE
I have shot fair and far off; but now I hope to hit the mark indeed.
SHRIMP
God save it.
LIPSALVE
But where's the sign?
SHRIMP
Why, there.
LIPSALVE
That's a special thing to be observed.
SHRIMP
I have heard talk of the Gemini; methinks that should be a star
favourable to your proceeding.
LIPSALVE
The Gemini? 0, I apprehend thee: that's because I am so like
Gerardine; ha, is't not so, boy?
SHRIMP
As if you were spit out on's mouth, sir; you must needs be like
him, for you are both cut out of a piece. But lord, sir, how
you hunt this chase of love; are you not weary?
LIPSALVE
Indefatigable, boy, indefatigable.
SHRIMP
Fatigable, quoth you? You may call it leanable well enough, for
I am sure it is able to make a man lean.
LIPSALVE
'Tis my vocation, boy; we must never be weary of well-doing: love's
as proper to a courtier as preciseness to a puritan.
Enter Gerardine and Maria above.
SHRIMP
[Aside] Love, subaudi lust; a punk in this place
subintelligitur.
LIPSALVE
Boy, I have spied my saint.
SHRIMP
Then down on your knees.
LIPSALVE
Fly off, lest she take thee for my familiar.
[Shrimp hides himself.]
Save thee, sweet Maria!
Nay wonder not (for thou thyself art wonder)
To see this unexpected gratulation.
MARIA
Whom do I see? 0, how my senses wander!
Am not I Hero? Art not thou Leander?
GERARDINE
[Aside] Th' art in the right, sweet wench; more of that
vein.
LIPSALVE
[Aside to Shrimp] Her passion overcomes her; 'tis the kindest
soul! O excellent device; it works, it works, boy.
SHRIMP
It does indeed, sir, like the suds of an ale-fat or a washing-bowl.
LIPSALVE
Joy not too much; extremes are perilous.
MARIA
0 weather-beaten love! Cisley, go make a fire;
Go fetch my ladder of ropes, Leander's come.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] Mark, how prettily in her rapture she harps upon
Gerardine's travel.--Let th' ecstasy have end, for I am Gerardine.
GERARDINE
[Aside] The devil you are.
MARIA
Ha? let me see; my love so soon return'd?
LIPSALVE
I never travell'd farther than thine eyes;
My bruited journey was a happy project
To cast a mist before thy jealous guardian,
Who now suspectless gives some hope t' attain
My wish'd delight, before pursu'd in vain.
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] Ask if he strain'd not hard for that
same project.
MARIA
Has not that project overrack'd thy brain,
And spent more wit than thou hast left behind?
SHRIMP
[Aside] By this light, she flouts him.
LIPSALVE
No, wit is infinite: I spent some brain;
Thy love did stretch my wit upon the tenters.
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] Then is't like to shrink in the wetting.
MARIA
It cottons well; it cannot choose but bear
A pretty nap. I tender thy capacity;
A comfortable caudle cherish it.
But where's my favour that I bid thee wear
As pledge of love?
GERARDINE
[Aside] Now dost thou put him to't;
More tenters for his wit; he's non plus quite.
LIPSALVE
I wear it, sweet Maria, but on high days,
Preserve it from the tainting of the air--
[Aside] What should I say?--'Tis in my t'other hose.
MARIA
How? In your t'other hose? He that I love
Shall wear my favour in those hose he has on.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] Fiends and furies! Block that I am!
SHRIMP
[Aside to Lipsalve] In your t'other hose? [Aside] She talked
of a ladder of ropes; if she would let it down, for my life he
would hang himself in't.--In your t'other hose? Why, those hose
are in lavender; besides, they have never a codpiece: but indeed
there needs no ivy where the wine is good. In your t'other hose?
MARIA
I said you were too prodigal of wit.
LIPSALVE
Expostulate no more; grant me access,
Or else I'll travel to the wilderness.
MARIA
Your only way. Go, travel till you tire;
Be rid, and let a gull discharge the hire.
SHRIMP
Master, the doctor, the doctor!
LIPSALVE
Where? Which way?
SHRIMP
This way, that way, some way I heard him coming.
LIPSALVE
0 boy, I am abused, gulled, disgraced; my credit's cracked.
SHRIMP
You know that's nothing for a new courtier.
LIPSALVE
0, I shall run beside myself.
SHRIMP
No sir, that's my office; I'll run by your side.
LIPSALVE
My brain is out of temper; what shall I do?
SHRIMP
Take her counsel, sir; get a cullis to your capacity, a restorative
to your reason, and a warming-pan to your wit. He comes, he comes!
LIPSALVE
Follow close, boy; let him not see us.
Exeunt Lipsalve and Shrimp. Enter Glister.
GLISTER
What, more flatterers about my carrion? More battery to my walls?
Shall I never be rid of these Petronel Flashes? As for my friend
Gerardine, the wind of my rage has blown him to discover countries;
and let the sea purge his love away and him together, I care not.
Young wenches now are all o' the hoigh. We that are guardians
must respect more besides titles, gold lace, person, or parts;
we must have lordships and manors elsewhere as well as in the
man. Wealth commands all; and wealth I'll have, or else my minion
shall lead apes in hell. I must after this gallant too; I'll
know his rendezvous, and what company he keeps.
Exit.
MARIA
Now must we be abrupt; retire, sweet friend,
To thy small-ease. What more remains to do
We'll consummate at our next interview.
GERARDINE
So shall I bear my prisonment with pleasure;
Look thou but big, [our] cruel foe will yield,
And give to Hymen th' honour of the field.
Exeunt.
[III.ii. A street before the meeting-house of the Family of Love.]
Enter Mistress Purge and Club before her with a link.
MISTRESS PURGE
Fie, fie, Club, go a' t'other side the way, thou collowest me
and my ruff; thou wilt make me an unclean member i' the congregation.
CLUB
If you be unclean, mistress, you may pure yourself; you have my
master's ware at your commandment; but what am I then, that does
all the drudgery in your house?
MISTRESS PURGE
Th' art born to't; why, boy, I can show thy indentures; thou givest
no other milk. We know how to use all i' their kind.
CLUB
You're my better in bark and rine, but in pith and substance I
may compare with you. You're above me in flesh, mistress, and
there's your boast; but in my t'other part we are all one before
God.
Enter Dryfat.
MISTRESS PURGE
All one with me? Dost thou swear too? Why then, up and ride!
DRYFAT
Whither away, Mistress Purge?
MISTRESS PURGE
To the Family, Master Dryfat, to our exercise.
DRYFAT
What, by night?
MISTRESS PURGE
0 Lord, ay, sir, with the candles out too; we fructify best i'
th' dark. The glance of the eye is a great matter; it leads us
to other objects besides the right.
DRYFAT
Indeed, I think we perform those functions best when we are not
thrall to the fetters of the body.
MISTRESS PURGE
The fetters of the body? What call you them?
DRYFAT
The organs of the body, as some term them.
MISTRESS PURGE
Organs? Fie, fie, they have a most abominable squeaking sound
in mine ears; they edify not a whit, I detest 'em. I hope my
body has no organs.
DRYFAT
To speak more familiarly, Mistress Purge, they are the senses:
the sight, hearing, smelling, taste and feeling.
MISTRESS PURGE
Ay, marry. Marry, said I? Lord, what a word's that in my mouth.
You speak now, Master Dryfat, but yet let me tell you where you
err too: this feeling I will prove to be neither organ nor fetter;
it is a thing--a sense did you call it?
DRYFAT
Ay, a sense.
MISTRESS PURGE
Why then, a sense let it be. I say it is that we cannot be without:
for, as I take it, it is a part belonging to understanding; understanding,
you know, lifteth up the mind from earth; if the mind be lift
up, you know the body goes with it. Also it descends into the
conscience, and there tickles us with our works and doings, so
that we make singular use of feeling.
DRYFAT
And not of the rest?
MISTRESS PURGE
Not at that time; therefore we hold it not amiss to put out the
candles, for the soul sees best i' th' dark.
DRYFAT
You come to me now, Mistress Purge.
[Enter Purge, who overhears them.]
MISTRESS PURGE
Nay, I will come to you else, Master Dryfat. These senses, as
you term them, are of much efficacy in carnal mixtures; that is,
when we crowd and thrust a man and a woman together.
PURGE
[Aside] What, so close at it? I thought this was one
end of your exercise. Byrlady, I think there is small profit
in this. I'll wink no more, for I am now tickled with a conceit
that it is a scurvy thing to be a cuckold .
DRYFAT
I commend this zeal in you, Mistress Purge; I desire much to be
of your society.
MISTRESS PURGE
Do you indeed? Blessing on your heart. Are you upright in your
dealings?
DRYFAT
Yes, I do love to stand to any thing I do, though I lose by it;
in truth, I deal but too truly for this world. You shall hear
how far I am entered in the right way already. First, I live
in charity and give small alms to such as be not of the right
sect; I take under twenty i' th' hundred, nor no forfeiture of
bonds unless the law tell my conscience I may do't; I set no pot
on a' Sundays, but feed on cold meat dressed a' Saturdays; I keep
no holydays nor fasts, but eat most flesh o' Fridays of all days
i' the week; I do use to say inspired graces able to starve a
wicked man with length; I have Aminadabs and Abrahams to my godsons,
and I chide them when they ask me blessing; and I do hate the
red letter more than I follow the written verity.
PURGE
[Aside] Here's clergy.
MISTRESS PURGE
These are the rudiments indeed, Master Dryfat.
DRYFAT
Nay, I can tell you I am, or will be, of the right stamp.
PURGE
[Aside] A pox o' your stamp.
MISTRESS PURGE
Then learn the word for your admittance, and you will be much
made on by the congregation.
DRYFAT
Ay, the word, good Mistress Purge.
MISTRESS PURGE
A Brother in the Family.
DRYFAT
Enough, I have my lesson.
PURGE
[Aside] So have I mine: a Brother in the Family; I must
be a Familist today. I'll follow this gear while 'tis on foot,
i'faith.
MISTRESS PURGE
Then shore up your eyes, and lead the way to the goodliest people
that ever turned up the white o' th' eye. Give me my book, Club,
put out thy link, and come behind us.
They knock.
ANSWER WITHIN
Who's there?
DRYFAT
Two Brothers and a Sister in the Family.
They are let in. Purge knocks.
WITHIN
Who's there?
PURGE
A Familiar Brother.
[WITHIN]
Here's no room for you nor your familiarity.
PURGE
How? No room for me nor my familiarity? Why, what's the difference
between a Familiar Brother and a Brother in the Family? 0, I know: I made ellipsis of "in" in this
place where it should have been expressed, so that the want of
"in" put me clean out; or, let me see: may it not be
some mystery drawn from arithmetic? For my life, these Familists
love no subtraction, take nothing away, but put in and add as
much as you will; and after addition follows multiplication of
a most Pharasithypocritical crew. Well, for my part I like not
this Family, nor indeed some kind of private lecturing that women
use. Look to't, you that have such gadders to your wives: self-willed
they are as children, and, i'faith, capable of not much more than
they, peevish by custom, naturally fools. I remember a pretty
wooden sentence in a preamble to an exercise, where the reader
prayed that men of his coat might grow up like cedars to make
good wainscot in the House of Sincerity; would not this wainscot
phrase be writ in brass, to publish him that spake it for an animal?
Why, such wooden pellets out of earthen trunks do strike these
females into admiration, hits 'em home; sometimes, perhaps, in
at one ear and out at t'other; and then they depart, in opinion
wiser than their neighbours, fraught with matter able to take
down and mortify their husbands. Well, I'll home now, and bring
the true word next time. I shall expect my wife anon, red-hot
with zeal and big with melting tears; and this night do I expect,
as her manner is, she will weep me a whole chamber-pot full.
Loquor lapides? Do I cast pills abroad? 'Tis no matter
what I say; I talk like a pothecary, as I am; I have only purged
myself of a little choler and passion, and am now armed with a
patient resolution. But how? To put my horns in my pocket?
No:
What wise men bear is not for me to scorn;
'Tis a[n] honourable thing to wear the horn.
Exit.
[III.iii. Lipsalve's chamber, and outside.]
Enter Lipsalve[, undoubletted,] with his whip.
LIPSALVE
Fortune, devil's turd i' thy teeth! I'll turn no more o' thy
wheel; art is above thy might. What though my project with Mistress
Maria failed? More ways to the wood than one: there's variety
in love. It is believed I am out of town; my door is open, the
hour is at hand; all things squared by the doctor's rule; and
now I look for the spirit to bring me warm comfort to clothe my
nakedness, and that is Mistress Purge, the cordial of a Familist;
and come quickly, good spirit, or else my teeth will chatter for
thee.
Enter Gudgeon[,undoubletted,] with his [whip, outside the chamber].
GUDGEON
0 the naked pastimes of love, the scourge of dullness, the purifier
of uncleanness, and the hot-house of humanity! I have taken physic
of Master Purge any time this twelve months to purge my humour
upon's wife, and I have ever found her so fugitive, from exercise
to exercise, and from Family to Family, that I could never yet
open the closestool of my mind to her; so that I may well say
with Ovid, "Hei mihi, quod nullis amor est medicabilis
herbis." Now am I driven to prove the violent virtue
of conjuration; if it hit, and that I yerk my Familist out of
the spirit, I'll hang up my scourge-stick for a trophy, and emparadize
my thoughts; though the doctor go to the devil, 'tis no matter.
Ha, let me see: Lipsalve's door open, and himself out of town?
Excellent doctor, soothsaying doctor, oraculous doctor!
Enter Glister above.
GLISTER
[Aside] I have taken up this standing to see my gallants
play at barriers with scourge-sticks, for the honour of my punk.
And in good time I see my brave spirits shining in bright armour,
nakedly burning in the hell-fire of lechery, and ready for the
hot encounter. Sound trumpets, the combatants are mounted.
Enter Gudgeon [into the chamber].
GUDGEON
The apparition! Mistress Purge peers through him; I see her.
LIPSALVE
The spirit appears! But he might have come sooner: I am numbed
with cold, a shivering ague hath taken away my courage.
GLISTER
[Aside] They are afraid one of another; look how they
tremble; the flesh and the devil strengthen 'em! Ha, ha, ha!
GUDGEON
Has 'a no cloven feet? What a laxative fever shakes me.
LIPSALVE
Will 'a not carry me with him to hell? Well, I must venture:
Clogmathos.
GUDGEON
My cue: Clogmathathos.
LIPSALVE
My cue: Garrazin.
GUDGEON
Garragas.
LIPSALVE
Garrazinos.
GUDGEON
Ton tetuphon.
LIPSALVE
Tes tetuphes.
BOTH
With a whirly twinos.
They lash one another.
Hold, hold, hold!
Gogs nowns, gogs blood!
A pox, a plague, the devil take you!
Truce, truce, I smart, I smart.
GLISTER
[Aside] Ha, ha, ha! 0, for one of the hoops of my Cornelius'
tub!
I must needs be gone, I shall burst myself with laughing else.
Magic hath no such rule; men cannot find
Lust ever better handled in his kind.
Exit.
GUDGEON
What art thou? With the name of Jove I conjure thee!
LIPSALVE
With any name, saving the whip; I'll no more of that conjuration,
a plague on't!
GUDGEON
Speak, art not a spirit in the likeness of my friend Lipsalve,
that should transform thyself to Mistress Purge?
LIPSALVE
How, a spirit? I hope spirits have no flesh and blood; and I
am sure thou hast drawn blood out of my flesh with the spirit
of thy whip.
GUDGEON
Then shall we prove to be honest gulls, and the doctor an errant
knave.
LIPSALVE
A plague upon him for a Glister! He has given our loves a suppositor
with a recumbentibus. I'll tell thee, sirrah--
GUDGEON
Tell not me, let me prevent thee; the wind shall not take the
breath of our gross abuse; we feel the gullery. Therefore let
us swear by our naked truths, and by the hilts of these our blades,
our flesh-tamers, to be revenged upon that paraperopandentical
doctor, that pocky doctor.
LlPSALVE
Agreed; we'll cuckold him, that he shall not be able to put his
head in at's doors; and make his precise, puritanical and peculiar
punk, his pothecary's drug there, a known cockatrice to the world.
GUDGEON
If report catch this knavery, we have lost our reputations for
ever; wherefore let's be secret.
Ill tax we women of credulity,
When men are gull'd with such gross foppery.
LIPSALVE
Come, let us in and cover both our shames.
This conjuration to the world's a novelty;
Gallants turn'd spirits and whipped for lechery.
Exeunt.
Enter Maria.
MARIA
Gerardine, come forth, Maria calls!
Enter Gerardine out of the trunk.
Those ribs shall not enfold thy buxom limbs
One minute longer: the cincture of mine arms
Shall more securely keep thy soul from harms.
GERARDINE
What heavenly breath of Phitonessa's power,
That raised the dead corpse of her friend to life,
Prevails no less on me; for even this urn,
The figure of my sadder requiem,
Gives up my bones, my love, my life, and all,
To her that gives me freedom in my thrall.
MARIA
Be brief, sweet friend, salute and part in one;
For niggard time now threats with imminent danger
Our late joy'd scope. Thy earnest, then, of love,
Ere Sol have compass'd half the signs, I fear
Will show a blushing fault; but 'twas thine aim,
T' enforce consent in him that bars thy claim.
GERARDINE
Love salves that fault; let time our guilt reveal,
I'll ne'er deny my deed, my hand and seal.
The elements shall lose their ancient force,
Water and earth suppress the fire and air,
Nature in all use a preposterous course,
Each kind forget his likeness to repair,
Before I'll falsify my faith to thee.
MARIA
The humorous body's elemental kind
Shall sooner lose th' innated heat of love,
The soul in nature's bounds shall be confin'd,
Heaven's course shall retrograde and leave to move,
Ere I surcease to cherish mutual fire,
With thoughts refin'd in flames of true desire.
GERARDINE
These words are odours in the sacred shrine
Of love's best deity. The marriage-god
Longs to perform these ceremonious rites
Which terminate our hopes; till mine grow full,
I'll use that intercourse amongst my friends
That erst I did. Then in the height of joy,
I'll come to challenge interest in my boy.
Till then, farewell.
MARIA
You'll come upon your cue?
GERARDINE
Doubt not of that.
MARIA
Then twenty times adieu.
Exeunt.
[IV.i. A street before the meeting-house of the Family of Love.]
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, Shrimp and Periwinkle.
GUDGEON
Come boys, our clothes, boys; and what is the most current news,
Periwinkle?
PERIWINKLE
Faith, sir, fortune hath favoured us with no news but what the
pedlar brought from Norfolk.
LIPSALVE
Is there nothing stirring at court, Shrimp?
SHRIMP
Faith, there is, sir, but nothing new.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Good wag, faith, thou smellest somewhat of
a courtier, though thy mother was a citizen's wife. Off with that
filthy great band, nay, quick; on with your robe of sanctity,
nay, suddenly, man.
[Lipsalve and Gudgeon don Puritanical robes.]
GUDGEON
And why must we shift ourselves into this demure habit, if impossible
to be of the Family and keep our own fashion?
LIPSALVE
Tut, man, the name of a gallant is more hateful to them than the sight of a corner-cap. Hadst thou heard the protestations the wife of a bellows-mender made but yesternight against gallants,
thou hadst for ever abjured crimson breeches. She swore that
all gallants were persons inferior to bellows-menders, for the
trade of bellows-making was very aerial and high; and what were
men and women but bellows, for they take wind in at one place
and do evaporate at another; evaporate was her very phrase.
GUDGEON
Methinks, her phrase flew with somewhat too strong a vapour.
LIPSALVE
Nay, she proves farther, that all men receive their being chiefly
from bellows, without which the fire burns not; without fire the
pot seethes not; the pot not seething, powdered beef is not to
be eaten; of which she then averred our nation was a great devourer,
and without which they could neither fight for their country abroad,
nor get children at home; for, said she, powdered beef is a great
joiner of nerves together.
GUDGEON
What answer madest thou?
LIPSALVE
Marry, that I thought a bawd was a greater joiner of nerves together
than powdered beef; with that she protested that a bawd was an
instrument of the devil, and as she had proved that bellows-makers
were of God's trade, so bawds were of the devil's trade: for (and
thereupon she blew her nose) the devil and bawds did both live
by the sins of the people.
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
No more; Mistress Purge is at hand.
LIPSALVE
Vanish boys, away. Make haste; before Jove, she'll be with us ere we can be provided for her.
[Exeunt Shrimp and Periwinkle.] Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.
MISTRESS PURGE
Advance your link, Club. At what time wert thou bound, Club?
At Guttide, Hollantide or Candletide?
CLUB
I was bound indeed about midsummer.
MISTRESS PURGE
And when hath thy prenticeship end? At Michaeltide next?
CLUB
So I take it.
MISTRESS PURGE
They say, Club, you fall very heavy on such you love not; you
never learnt that of me.
CLUB
Indeed, mistress, I must confess my falling is rustic, gross and
butcher-like; marry, yours is a pretty, foolish, light, [courtlike]
falling. Yet believe me, my master smells somewhat too gross
of the purgation; he wants tutoring.
MISTRESS PURGE
And why, I pray?
CLUB
My master being set last night in his shop, comes Master Doctor
Glister, as his manner is, squirting in suddenly; and after some
conference, tells my master that by his own knowledge you were
young with child; to which my master replied: "Why, Master
Doctor, will you put me to more charges yet?"
MISTRESS PURGE
Thou art a fool, in that my husband spake as wisely as if the
master of his company had spoke. He knows doctors have receipts
for women, which makes them most apt to conceive; and he promising
a' had ministered the same lately to me, thereupon spake it.
Lead on with your link.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Art ready ?
GUDGEON
[To Lipsalve] Ready.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Then speak pitifully, look scurvily, and
dissemble cunningly, and we shall quickly prove two of the Fraternity.--Benediction
and sanctity, love and charity fall on Mistress Purge, Sister
of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
And what, I pray, be you two?
LIPSALVE
Two newly converted from the rags of Christianity to become good
members in the house of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
Who, I pray, converted you?
[GUDGEON]
Master Dryfat the merchant.
MISTRESS PURGE
And from what sins hath he converted you?
LIPSALVE
From two very notorious crimes; the first was from eating fish
on Fridays, and the second from speaking reverently of the clergy.
But a' resolved us your talent in edifying young men went far
beyond his.
Enter Purge[, hiding himself].
MISTRESS PURGE
A talent I have therein, I must confess, nor am I very nice at
fit times to show it; for your better instructions, therefore,
you must never hereafter frequent taverns nor tap-houses, no masques
nor mummeries, no pastimes nor playhouses.
GUDGEON
Must we have no recreation?
MISTRESS PURGE
Yes, on the days which profane lips call holydays, you may take
your spaniel and spend some hours at the ducking-pond.
LIPSALVE
What are we bound unto during the time we remain in the Family?
MISTRESS PURGE
During the light of the candle you are to be very attentive; which
being extinguished, how to behave yourselves I will deliver in
private whisper.
PURGE
[Aside] 'Tis now come to a whisper. What young Familists
be these? I'faith, I'll make one; I'll trip you, wife; I scent
your footing, wife.
For [Galen] writes, Paracelsus can tell,
Pothecaries have brains and noses eke to smell.
LIPSALVE
We shall with much diligence observe it.
PURGE
[Aside] I fear I shall have small cause to thank that
diligence; but do your worst:
He that hath read [five] herbals in one year
Can find a trick which shall prevent this gear.
They are going; follow, Purge, close, close and softly, like a
horsekeeper in a lady's matted chamber at midnight.
Mistress Purge knocks.
WITHIN
Who knocks?
MISTRESS PURGE
Brethren and a Sister in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter in peace.
Exeunt Gudgeon, Lipsalve and Mistress Purge [and Club].
PURGE
Brethren and a Sister; that's the word. How beastly was I mistaken
last day: I should have said "A Brother in the Family"
and I said "A Familiar Brother"; for which I and my
family were thrust out of doors. But as Titus Silus of Holborn
Bridge most learnedly was wont to say, "Q.d."
He knocks.
WITHIN
Who's there?
PURGE
A Brother in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter, and welcome.
Exit Purge.
Enter Gerardine disguised [as a porter].
GERARDINE
Thou sacred deity, Love!
Thou power predominate, more to be admir'd
Than able to be express'd, whose orb includes
All terrene joys which are, all states which be,
Pay to thy sacred throne, as tribute-fee,
Their thoughts and lives. Like Jove's, so must thy acts
Endure no question; why, thy hidden facts
The gods themselves obey; heaven-synod holds
No gods but what thy awful power controls.
The Delphian archer proud with Python's spoil,
At Cupid's hand was forc'd to take the foil;
Nor Mars his warlike adamantine targe
Could free his warlike breast at Cupid's charge;
And Jove, whose frown all mortal lives bereaves,
[His] marble throne and ivory sceptre leaves,
And in the likeness of a bull was seen,
As forc'd by him to bear the Tyrian queen
Through Neptune's watery kingdom. If these submit,
My metamorphose is not held unfit.
And see, in most wished occasion, Dryfat the merchant presents
himself. Sir, in the best of hours met; my thoughts had marked
you out for a man most apt to do them the fairest of offices.
DRYFAT
What! Art thou a Welsh carrier or a northern landlord, th' art
so saucy?
GERARDINE
ls't possible, sir, my disguise should so much fool your knowledge?
How? A northern landlord? Can you think I get my living by
a bell and a clack-dish?
DRYFAT
By a bell and a clack-dish? How's that?
GERARDINE
Why, by begging, sir. Know you me now?
DRYFAT
Master Gerardine, disguised and ashore! Nay, then I smell a rat.
GERARDINE
Master Dryfat, shall I repose some trust in you? Will you lay
by awhile your city's precise humour? Will you not deceive me?
DRYFAT
If I deceive your trust, the general plague seize me; that is,
may I die a cuckold.
GERARDINE
And I say thou shall die a true citizen, if thou conceal it.
And thus in brief: it stands with thy knowledge how seriously
I have and do still affect Maria. Now, sir, I have so wrought
it, that if thou couldst procure me a fellow that could serve
instead of a crier, I myself would play Placket the paritor, and
summon Doctor Glister and Maria to appear at thy house; and as
[I play] the paritor, so wouldst thou but assume the shape of
a proctor, I should have the wench, thou the credit, and the whole
city occasion of discourse this nine days.
DRYFAT
How's this, how's this? I should procure a fellow to play the
[crier] and I myself should play the proctor? But upon what occasion
should they be summoned?
GERARDINE
Upon an accusation that Doctor Glister should get Maria his niece with child, and have bastards in the country, which I have a trick to make probable.
DRYFAT
And now I recall it to memory, I heard somewhat to that effect
last night in Master Beardbush the barber's shop; but how will
this sort? Who shall accuse him?
GERARDINE
Refer that to me, I say, be that my care; all shall end in merriment,
and no disgrace touch either of their reputations.
DRYFAT
Then take both word and hand, 'tis done; Club, Mistress Purge's prentice, shall be the [crier].
GERARDINE
0 my most precious Dryfat, may none of thy daughters prove vessels
with foul bungholes, or none of thy sons hogsheads, but all true
and honourable Dryfats like thyself.
DRYFAT
Well, Master Gerardine, I hope to see you a Familist before I
die.
GERARDINE
That's most likely, for I hold most of their principles already.
I never rail nor calumniate any man but in love and charity;
I never cozen any man for any ill will I bear him, but in love
and charity to myself; I never make my neighbour a cuckold for
any hate or malice I bear him, but in love and charity to his
wife.
DRYFAT
And may those principles fructify in your weak members. I'll
be gone, and with most quick dexterity provide you a crier. Tomorrow
at my house, said you, they should appear?
GERARDINE
Be that the time, most honoured Dryfat; but be this known to none,
most loved sir, save Club, or to some other whom your judgment
shall select as a fit person for our project.
DRYFAT
Thus enough; time out of sight.
Exit.
GERARDINE
Maria, thou art mine.
Earth's [perfection] and nature's glory:
Woman; of what an excellency, if
Her thoughts and acts were squared and levelled
With the first celsitude of her creation!
T' enjoy a creature, whose dishevell'd locks,
Like gems against the repercussive sun,
Gives light and splendour; whose star-like eyes
Attract more [gazers'] loves to see there a move
Then the Tartarians' god, when Egeon's hill
'A mounts in triumph; a skin more pure and soft
Than is the silk-worm['s] bed; tooth more white
Than new-fall'n snow or shining ivory,
Is happiness sought by the gods themselves.
Celestial Venus, born without a mother,
Be thou propitious; thee [do] I implore,
Not vulgar Venus, heaven's scorn and Mars his whore.
Exit.
[IV.iii. A room in Glister's house.]
Enter Mistress Glister and Maria.
MARIA
Good aunt, quiet yourself; ground not upon dreams, you know they
are ever contrary.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Minion, minion, coin no excuses; I grant dreams are deceitful,
but a true judgment grounded upon knowledge never fails. What?
Have not I observed the rising and falling of the blood, the
coming and going of the countenance, your qualms, your unlacings,
your longings? Most evident tokens. Besides, a more certain
sign than all these, too; you know't, I need not speak it; nay,
l am as skilful in that point as my husband. I can tell you,
Aristotle speaks English enough to tell me these secrets. Body
of me, so narrowly looked to, and yet fly out! Well, I see maids
will ha't in spite of laws or locks that restrain 'em; they will
open, do men what they can.
MARIA
I see my fault appears; simplicity
Hath no evasion. 'Tis bootless to deny
Where guilty blood, cited by touch of shame,
Runs through my veins, and leaves my conscience' stain
Even in my face. Forbear, I do beseech you,
To publish my defame; what I have done
You shall not answer; I must bear mine own.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Bear your own? Ay, marry, there it goes;
What must you bear?
MARIA
My sins, forsooth.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Your sins, forsooth? Confess to me, and go not about the bush;
you have been doing, that's flat; you have caught a clap, that's
round; and answer me roundly to the point, or else I'll square.
Come, whose act is't? I cannot devise unless it be my husband's,
for none else had access to thee; I am sure time has turned his
bald side to thee, and I do but wonder how thou tookest opportunity.
Speak, tell me.
MARIA
Now, good aunt, press me not; let time reveal
What you suspect; for never shall my tongue
Confess an act that tends unto my wrong.
Enter Gerardine like a porter.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Will you not bolt? I must ha't out on you, and will.
GERARDINE
By your leave, mistress--
MISTRESS GLISTER
Passion of my heart, what art thou?
GERARDINE
No ghost forsooth, though I appear in white.
MISTRESS GLISTER
No, but a saucy knave I perceive by your manners.
GERARDINE
None of that livery neither. I am of the bearing trade forsooth;
you may see by my smock-frock, I would say. I am, if it please
you, of the spick and span new-set-up company of porters. Here's
my breastplate; and besides our own arms we have the arms of the
city to help us in our burdens; ecce signum: here's the
cross and the sword of justice in good pewter, I can tell you,
which goes as current with us as better metal.
MISTRESS GLISTER
What's your name, sir?
GERARDINE
Nicholas Nebulo. There's but a straw's-breadth between that and
the arms; 'tis in the backside of the cross here, and well known
in the city for an ancient name and an honest, an't like your
worship.
MARIA
You are none of the twelve, are you?
GERARDINE
No forsooth, but one of the twenty-four--
MISTRESS GLISTER
Orders of knaves; I thought so. Sirrah, you're a rascal, to come
thus bluntly into my house with your dirty startups; get you without
doors, like a filthy fellow as you are; a place more fit for you.
GERARDINE
0, good words, mistress. I may be warden of my company for aught
you know, and for my bluntness we have a clause in our charter
to warrant that; for as we bear, so likewise we may be borne with,
and have free egress and regress where our business lies.
MISTRESS GLISTER
And what's your business here?
GERARDINE
I have a letter, an't please you, to Master Doctor.
MISTRESS GLISTER
From whence?
GERARDINE
That I cannot show your worship; but I had it of Curtal the carrier,
whose lawful deputy I am.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Leave your scraping, sirrah. Fie, how rank the knave smells of
grease and taps-droppings.
Gerardine coughs and spits.
What, are you rheumatic too, with a vengeance!
GERARDINE
Yes indeed, mistress; though I be but a poor man, I have a spice
of the gentleman in me; Master Doctor could smell it quickly,
because he's a gentleman himself. I must to the diet, and that
is tobacco at the ale-house; I use n'other physic for it.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Did ever such a peasant defile my floor, or breathe so near me?
I'faith, sirrah, you would be bummed for your roguery, if you
were well served.
GERARDINE
I am bummed well enough already, mistress; look here else. Sir-reverence in your worship, Master Doctor's lips are not made
of better stuff.
MISTRESS GLISTER
What an impudent rogue is this. Sirrah, be gone I say; I would
be rid o' you.
GERARDINE
Be rid o' me? I shall gallop then. You mistake me, forsooth;
I am a foot post, I do not use to ride.
MISTRESS GLISTER
I think the rascal be humorous or drunk. Well, I will read the
letter and send him packing, or else he will spew or do worse
before me. Fie on him, I think he will infect me with some filthy
disease.
GERARDINE
[Aside] Or else I lose mine aim.
MISTRESS GLISTER
[Takes the letter and reads it] What's here? "Your
poor nurse, Thomasine [Tweedles]?" For my life, now shall
I find out my husband's knavery I have so long suspected.
GERARDINE
[Aside] She begins to nibble; 'twill take, i'faith.--Mistress,
I see some discontentment in your looks;
Care ill befits so delicate a spirit.
Be frolic, wench, for he that is so near thee
Has been much nearer.
MARIA
That accent sounds sweet music; 'tis my love.
That tongue breathes life into my lifeless spirits:
[Aside to Gerardine] Gerardine? 0 rapture! Why thus disguis'd?
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] No more, be mute. Thus must I vary forms
To bring our cares to end; her jealousy
Ensues this drift, which, if it take true scope,
Love's joy comes next; be fearless in that hope.
MISTRESS GLISTER
'Tis so. Rats-bane! I ha't; it racks on, it torments me! Here
'tis: "Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a child
that came in at the window, God knows how." Villainous lecher!
"Yet if you did but see how like the little red-headed knave
is to his father." Damnable doctor! A bastard in the country,
and another towards here. I am out of doubt this is his work.
[To Maria] You are an arrant strumpet! Incest, fornication,
abomination in my own house! Intolerable! 0, for long nails
to scratch out his eyes!
GERARDINE
Or the breeches, to fight with him.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Out of my sight, quean; thou shalt to Bridewell! 0, I shall be
mad with rage!
GERARDINE
Then you shall go to Bedlam.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Hence, you slave.
GERARDINE
I must have a penny; you must pay me for my pains.
MISTRESS GLISTER
The devil pay thee.
GERARDINE
0, that's the doctor; but he wants his horns.
MISTRESS GLISTER
But I'll furnish him ere long, if I live.
GERARDINE
[Aside to Maria] It works as I would wish. Farewell Maria;
This storm once past, fair weather ever after.
Exit.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Was ever woman so moved? But you shall be talked withal; and
for mine old fornicator, he shall ha't as hot as coals, i'faith.
Here's stuff indeed! Come, minx, come; there's law for you both.
Have I found your knavery? If I wink at this, let me be stone
blind, or stoned to death; bear this, and bear all!
Exit with Maria.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, [Shrimp and Periwinkle].
LIPSALVE
Our hopes are cross'd; sure there's some providence
Which countermands libidinous appetites,
For what we most intend is counter-check'd
By strange and unexpected accidents.
For by disguise procuring full access,
Nay, ready to have [seiz'd] th' expected prize,
The candle out, steps 'twix my hopes and me
Some pleasant groin, possess'd and full enjoy'd
That sweet for which our vigilant eyes have watch'd,
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.
GUDGEON
Upon my life, we are bewitched: the greasy rascal that first seized
Mistress Purge, by the last reflection of the light, appeared
to my sight not much unlike her husband.
LIPSALVE
The court's gall, the city's plague, and Europa's sea-form be
his perpetual crest, whate'er 'a was. To lose Mistress Purge
for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable. The like opportunity
will never present itself.
GUDGEON
'Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a knave slip
betwixt us both and take occasion by the foretop; but since these
projects have had so star-cross events, let's lay some plot how
to revenge our late disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.
LIPSALVE
Agreed; but what melancholy sir with acrostic arms now comes from
the Family?
Enter Purge.
GUDGEON
Purge the pothecary; I prithee, let's step aside and hear the
issue of this discontent.
[They retire with the two pages.]
PURGE
0, the misery of married men's estate!
LIPSALVE
[Aside] 'A begins very pitifully.
PURGE
0 women, what are many of you?
LIPSALVE
[Aside] Why, disease to bachelors, and plagues to married
men.
PURGE
0 marriage, the rage of all our miseries! My wife is a dissembling
strumpet.
GUDGEON
[Aside] So is many a man's besides yours; and what of
that?
PURGE
I would have a law that all such which pray little should instantly
be married; for then would they pray continually, if it were but
to be rid of their wives.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] This is a charitable request and surely would
pass the Lower House.
PURGE
Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I cannot see how
any married man can be damned; I have made myself a plain cuckold.
[GUDGEON]
[Aside] A pile on ye, want you? Had you not been so manable,
here are some would have saved you that labour.
PURGE
What shall I do in this extremity? Had I but witness of the fact,
I would make her answer it before authority. This is my wedding
ring; 'tis it, I know it by the posy. This I took from her finger
in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased; were not
this, trow, a sufficient testimony? She knows not that it was
myself got so near her; I will take counsel. Well, little know
bachelors the miseries they undergo when they prostrate themselves
to women.
LIPSALVE
[Coming forward with Gudgeon] 0 most true, Master Purge:
little knows a man what elements 'a is to pass, when 'a puts his
head under a woman's girdle. Your passion, Master Purge, is overheard,
and, plain tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife's
treachery, and if need be will be ready to depose as much.
PURGE
What, Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, are you disguised testimonies?
Nay then, revenge look big! Elf and fairy
Help to revenge the wronged pothecary!
GUDGEON
Why, now 'a speaks like himself; get me a paritor for her straight.
LIPSALVE
Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife know thou
hast it, until she comes to her trial.
Enter Dryfat, and Gerardine [disguised as an apparitor].
PURGE
Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private let me disclose
my intent.
GUDGEON
Off, boys.
[Purge, Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.]
SHRIMP
What dost thou think of thy master? Is 'a not a rare gull?
PERIWINKLE
I think 'a will swallow and pocket more disgraces than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term. Thy master,
my honest [Shrimp], comes not much short of a fool too, but that
'a is a courtier.
SHRIMP
Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
[Shrimp and Periwinkle retire.]
GERARDINE
This shape of the crier must Club tomorrow assume. Are you fitted
for Poppin the proctor?
DRYFAT
Excellent, and have spent some study in the mystical cases of
venery. I can describe how often a man may lie with another man's
wife before 'a come to the white sheet--
GERARDINE
How long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till 'a be taken tardy;--how long all women-kind may by the
statute profess and swear they are maids.
GERARDINE
And how long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till their bellies be so big, that it cannot be no longer
concealed; but come forward towards Glister's.
LIPSALVE
It must be so. Let the summer tickle her; you shall bring in
these allegations and let us alone to swear them. Who's this?
Master Dryfat? Opportunely met, sir; and whether so fast? The
news, the news?
DRYFAT
Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I hear of Doctor
Glister would come stale to your hearings.
LIPSALVE
0, the getting of his niece with child; tut, that's apparently
known to all the company. But, in the name of Jupiter, what art
thou? Or from whence camest thou?
GERARDINE
Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the land.
GUDGEON
Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
GERARDINE
Of the devil's trade; for I live as he does, by the sins of the
people. In brief, sir, I am Placket the paritor.
LIPSALVE
As the devil would! We have, my noble paritor, instant employment
for thee; a grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking, my
little sumner; where's thy quorum nomina, my honest Placket?
GERARDINE
Sir, according to the old ballad,
"My quorum nomina ready, have I,
With my pen and inkhorn hanging by."
Her name, sir, her name?
GUDGEON
Is't no more but so?
PURGE
I have most right to her name. Her name, Master Placket, is my
wife, Mistress Purge, sir. To what place dost thou belong?
GERARDINE
To the commissioners which sit tomorrow at Master Dryfat's upon
the crimes of Doctor Glister and others.
LIPSALVE
Sits there a commission, Dryfat? Now for the love of lechery,
let's have Mistress Purge summoned thither.
GERARDINE
She makes my quorum nomina reasonable full. My grant,
sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence:
is not that your meaning?
PURGE
Yes, my honest paritor; here's thy fee. [Gives him money.]
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
And see how happily it succeeds: Mistress Purge is new come from
the Family. Let us step aside whilst Placket the paritor gives
her a summons.
LIPSALVE
Content. To her, Placket, but see for the bribery of twelvepence
you strike her not out of your quorum nomina.
GERARDINE
Fear not, sir.
MISTRESS PURGE
Forward apace, Club.
GERARDINE
Your name I take to be Mistress Purge, fair gentlewoman?
MISTRESS PURGE
I am Mistress Purge, Purge's wife the pothecary; what of that?
DRYFAT
[Aside] Now you shall see him tickle her with a quorum
nomina.
GERARDINE
I cite you by virtue of my quorum nomina to make your personal
appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before
certain commissioners at Master Dryfat's house, to answer to an
accusation of a crime of concupiscence.
MISTRESS PURGE
To answer a crime of concupiscence? What's that, I pray?
GERARDINE
Why, 'tis to answer a venereal crime, for having carnal copulation
with other besides your husband.
MISTRESS PURGE
What are you, I pray?
GERARDINE
By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
MISTRESS PURGE
And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime? I tell thee,
Placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee or any man else
in any venereal crime they'll put me to; and so tell your commissioners.
GERARDINE
If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall heavy.
MISTRESS PURGE
If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear it; and so set forward,
Club.
Exeunt Club and Mistress Purge.
LIPSALVE
Excellent, i'faith. After your wife, Purge. Read, Placket, thy
quorum nomina, my noble groat-monger.
Exit Purge.
GERARDINE
Silence. The first that marcheth in this fair rank is Th[r]um
the feltmaker, for getting his maid with child and sending his
prentice to Bridewell for the fact; Whip the beadle, for letting
a punk escape for a night's lodging and bribe of ten groats; Bat
the bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailor's stall at midnight,
when 'a should be performing his office.
GUDGEON
And Tipple the tapster, for deflowering a virgin in his cellar;
Doctor Glister, his wife, Maria, Mistress Purge. These be the
complete number.
LIPSALVE
Now dissolve, and each to his occasion till tomorrow morning.
Exeunt.
[V.i. A room in Glister's house.]
Enter Doctor Glister and Mistress Glister.
MISTRESS GLISTER
This was your colour to keep her close, but what cloak ha' you
for her's and your own shame? What, your own niece, your brother's
daughter, besides your bastard in the country!
GLISTER
Wife, range not too far, I would advise you! Come home in time;
vex me not beyond sufferance. The two-edged sword of thy tongue
hath drawn blood o' me. Patience, I say; thou art all this while
in an error.
MISTRESS GLISTER
No, thou hast been all this while in an urinal; thou hast gone
out of thy compass in women's waters; you're a conjuror, forsooth,
and can rouse your spirits into circles. Ah, you old fornicator,
that ever I saw that red beard of thine! Now could I rail against
thy complexion. I think, in my conscience, the traces and caparison
of Venus' coach are made o' red hairs, which may be a true emblem
that no flaxen stuff or tanned white leather draws love like 'em;
I think thou manuredest thy chin with the droppings of eggs and
muskadine before it bristled. A shame take thee and thy loadstone.
But 'tis no matter; Master Placket the paritor has cited you,
and you shall answer it.
GLISTER
0, the raging jealousy of a woman! Do you hear, wife? I will
show myself a man of sense, and answer you with silence; or like
a man of wisdom, speak in brief. I say you are a scold, and beware
the cucking-stool
[Retires.]
MISTRESS GLISTER
I say you are a ninnihammer, and beware the cuckoo: for as sure
as I have ware, I'll traffic with the next merchant venturer;
and in good time here comes gallants of the right trade.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon.
LIPSALVE
All alone, Mistress Glister? Meditating who shall be your next
child's father?
GUDGEON
Indeed, methinks that should be one end of her thought, an't be
but to cry quittance with her husband, of whose abuse the town
rings.
GLISTER
[Aside] Flax and fire, flax and fire; here are fellows
come in the nick, to light their matches at my tinder.
LIPSALVE
He tells you true, Mistress Glister; the doctor hath made you
ordinary in our ordinaries; satires whet their tooths, and steep
rods in piss; epigrams lie in poetry's pickle, and we shall have
rhyme out of all reason against you.
GUDGEON
Ere long he will take up his station at a stationer's, where we
shall see him do penance in a sheet at least.
MISTRESS GLISTER
0, I am nettled! My patience is so provoked that I must doff
my modesty. What shall I do? If ye be honest gentlemen, counsel
me in my revenge, teach me what to do, make my case your own.
LIPSALVE
Why, you are in the common road of revenge, take which hand you
will, you cannot go out o' your way; 'tis as soon taken as time
by his forepart.
GUDGEON
Faith, since he has strook with the sword, strike you with the
scabbard; in plain terms, cuckold him. You may as easily do't
as lie down o' your bed.
GLISTER
[Aside] This gear cottons, i'faith.
MISTRESS GLISTER
I apprehend you, gentlemen. Lord, how much better are two heads
than one to make one large head!
LIPSALVE
You say true, Mistress Glister: there's help required in grafting; and how happily we come to tender our service. Let our pretence
be to take physic of the doctor; and that he may with as much
ease minister to us as we to you, we'll take a lodging in his
house.
GUDGEON
How say you to this? Is the colour good? Does't like you?
MISTRESS GLISTER
Passing well; the colour is so good, that you shall wear my favour
out o' the same piece.
LIPSALVE
Excellent, excellent; now shall we be revenged for the whipping.
Mistress Glister, let me be your first man.
GUDGEON
Nay, soft, sir, I plied her as soon as you.
GLISTER
[Aside] I should have an oar in her boat too by right.
LIPSALVE
How ill-advised were you to marry one with a red beard!
MISTRESS GLISTER
0 Master Lipsalve, I am not the first that has fallen under that
ensign. There's no complexion more attractive in this time for
women than gold and red beards: such men are all liver.
GUDGEON
Ay, but small heart, and less honesty.
LIPSALVE
Yes, they are honest too in some kind, for they'll beg before
they'll steal.
GUDGEON
That's true; for, for one that holds up his hand at the sessions,
you shall have ten come into the bawdy court.
GLISTER
[Aside] Was ever beard so back-bitten? This were enough
to make red beards turn medley, and dash 'em clean out of countenance;
but I hope, like mine, they fear no colours. And you were ten
courtiers, I'll front you; I must give you physic, with a pox.
Well, if I pepper ye not, call me Doctor Doddipoll.--[Comes
forward] Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, you are heartily
welcome; I am very glad to see you well.
LIPSALVE
0 Master Doctor, your salutation is very suspicious!
GLISTER
Why, Master Lipsalve?
LIPSALVE
It can scarce be hearty, for physicians are rather glad to see
men ill than well.
GLISTER
Not so, sir; you must distinguish of men; though this I know,
virtue is not the end of all science, which commonly keeps the
professor poor; some study questuary and gainful arts, and every
one would thrive in's calling. But, i'faith, gentlemen, what
wind drives you hither?
GUDGEON
The wind-colic, Master Doctor, or some such disease.
GLISTER
But not the stone-colic?
LIPSALVE
0 no, sir, we have no obstructions in those parts; we are loose
enough there.
GLISTER
If you were troubled with that, my wife can tell you of an excellent
remedy.
GUDGEON
We need it not, we need it not. But indeed, Master Doctor, for
some private infirmities, which our waters shall make known to
you, we desire to take some physic of you for a few days; and
to that end we would take a lodging in your house during the time.
LIPSALVE
Shall we entreat your favour?
GLISTER
No entreaty, gentlemen; you shall command me to search the very
profundity of my skill for you. Have them in, wife, and show
them their lodging. I will think upon another receipt, and follow
you immediately.
GUDGEON
And i'faith we shall requite your pains to the full.
Exeunt Lipsalve, Gudgeon, Mistress Glister.
GLISTER
To the fool, you mean. I know you ha' the horn of plenty for
me, which you would derive unto me from the liberality of your
bawdies, not your minds. Here are lords that, having learned
the O P Q of courtship, travel up and down among citizens' wives
to show their learning and bringing up; as if the city were not
already a good proficient in the court horn-book. Yes, I warrant
they have heads as capable as other men; ay, and some of them
can wisely say with the philosopher, that in knowing all they
know nothing. Well, because I am of the livery, and pay scot
and lot amongst you, do but observe how I'll fetch over my gallants
for your sakes. They say I am of the right hair; and indeed they
may stand to't, and hold the position good, saving with my wife.
Soft; are they not at pro and contra already?
I know they are hot-spurs, and I must have an eye to the main.
They have been whipped already for lechery and yet the pride
of the flesh pricks 'em.
Well, I must in; I have given them such a pill
Shall take 'em down, for lust must have his fill.
Exit.
[V.ii. A street before Glister's house.]
Enter Maria above.
MARIA
Now nature's pencil and the hand of time
Gives life and limb to generation's act,
My shame and guilt in wordless notes appear,
The argument of scorn. 0 now I stand
The theme and comment to each liberal tongue,
Whilst hope breeds comfort, and fear threats my wrong.
0 Gerardine, how oft thy lively figure,
[Deeply] impressed in my yielding temper,
Assures me thou art mine! How fancy paints
Thy true proportion in my troubled sleep,
Because sole subject of my daily thoughts.
O, if thy vows prove feign'd and thou unjust,
I say and swear in men there is no trust.
Enter Gerardine.
GERARDINE
Thus have I passed the round and court of guard,
Without the word: either conceit is strong,
Or else the body where true love's confin'd
Walks as a spirit and doth force his way
Through greatest dangers, frightful to those eyes
That wait to intercept him. Maria!
How like to Cynthia in her silver orb
She seems to me, attended by love's lamp,
Whose mutual influence and soul's sympathy
Doth show heaven's model in mortality.
MARIA
Gerardine!
Aurora [nor] the blushing sun's approach
Dart not more comfort to this universe
Than thou to me. Most acceptably come;
The art of number cannot count the hours
Thou hast been absent.
GERARDINE
Infinity of love
Holds no proportion with arithmetic.
Think not, Maria, but my heart retains
A deep impression of such thoughts as these.
I have been forging of a mirthful plot
To celebrate our wish'd conjunction;
Which now digested, come to summon thee
To be an actress in the comedy.
MARIA
How, where, when? Speak, mine ears are quick to hear;
I stand on thorns already to be there.
GERARDINE
At Dryfat's house, the merchant, there's our scene,
Whose sequel, if I fail not in intent,
Shall answer our desires and each content.
But when sawest thou Lipsalve and Gudgeon, our two gallants?
MARIA
They are here in the house, so handled by mine uncle that they
are the pitifullest patients that ever you beheld.
GERARDINE
No matter, he serves them in their kind; they were infamous in
the court and now are grown as notorious in the city. They may
happily prove particles in our sport, and fit subjects for laughter.
Time calls me hence: adieu; prepare to meet.
MARIA
I shall outstrip the nimblest in my feet.
Exeunt.
[V.iii. A room in Dryfat's house.]
Enter Dryfat and Club disguised [as a proctor and a crier, respectively].
DRYFAT
Come Club, come, there's a merry fray towards; we shall see the
death of melancholy; wherein thou and I must call a grand jury
of jests together, and pass upon them with the club law.
CLUB
Now as I am 0 the crier, and yet but a young club, I have not
yet practised that law; you have a whole dryfat on't; I pray you
instruct me.
DRYFAT
Why, 'tis a law enacted, by the common council of statute-caps,
to qualify the rage of the time, to follow, to call back, and
sometimes to encounter gentlemen when they run in arrearages;
I tell thee there's no averment against our book-cases. 'Tis
the law called make-peace; it makes them even when they are at
odds; it shows 'em a flat case as plain as a pack-staff, that
is, knocks 'em down without circumstance.
CLUB
Ay, marry, I like that law well; 'tis studied with the turning
of a hand. There's no quiddits nor pedlar's French in't; there
needs no book for th' exposition o' th' terms; 'tis as easily
learned as the felling of wood and getting of children; all is
but laying on load the downright blow.
DRYFAT
Ay, and by the way of exhortation it prints this moral sentence
on their costards, in capital letters, "Agree, for the law
is costly".
CLUB
Good, good. But all this while there's no doctor thought on;
we must have one to arbitrate.
DRYFAT
Why, Master Gerardine, man, has his name for the purpose; he shall
be called Doctor Stickler; lupus est in fabula, here he
comes.
Enter Gerardine.
GERARDINE
How now, lads, does our conceit cotton? Ha' you summoned your
wits from wool-gathering? Are you fraught with matter for this
merriment?
DRYFAT
Full, full; we are in labour, man, and we shall die without midwifery.
CLUB
We are ravished with delight, like the wench that was got with
child against her stomach. 0, but if we could wrest this smock
law now in hand to our club law, it were excellent.
DRYFAT
Easily, easily; all shall be called the club law.
GERARDINE
As how?
DRYFAT
Why, thus. Club is the crier, I am [Poppin] the proctor and you
Stickler the doctor; he calls them to appear, I must be of their
counsel and you must attone them, put 'em together. We may know
their cases and be in their elements, mark you me, but they cannot
be in ours. Tut, none knows our secrets; we can speak fustian
above their understanding, and make asses' ears attentive. I'll
play Ambodexter, tell 'em 'tis a plain case and put 'em down with
the club law; so that, as Club said well e'en now, our knavery
is as near allied as felling of wood and getting of children.
GERARDINE
Excellent, excellent. By this they are at hand: let's bear these
things like ourselves; I'll withdraw and put on my habiliments,
and then enter for the doctor.
DRYFAT
Do so; they come, they come!
Exit Gerardine. Enter Glister and Purge.
Welcome, Master Doctor Glister and Master Purge; there's a commission
to be sat upon this day, to open a passage for imprisoned truth,
concerning acts yet in tenebris.
GLISTER
True; I am brought hither by the malice of my wife.
PURGE
And I have a just appeal against my wife.
GLISTER
Master [Poppin], so I think you are called, I understand you have
the law at your fingers' ends.
DRYFAT
I can box cases, and scold and scratch it out amongst them.
GLISTER
Indeed, fame reports you to be a good trumpeter of causes; I must
retain you, sir, to sound mine.
DRYFAT
My sackbut shall do it most pathetically; tell me, in brief, the
nature of your case.
GLISTER
Faith, sir, a scandalous letter devised to wrong my reputation,
about a bastard in the country which should be mine.
DRYFAT
About a bastard in the country which should be yours? Hum; 'tis
very like you then, it should seem.
GLISTER
0 no, sir, understand me, only fathered upon me.
DRYFAT
Only fathered upon you cum nemini obtrudi potest. I understand
you, and like you well too, you do not flatter yourself in your
own case, no, 'tis not good; well, what more?
GLISTER
And about my niece, got with child in my own house.
DRYFAT
Byrlady, burdens of some weight, which you make light of! You
deny?
GLISTER
What else, sir? I have reason.
DRYFAT
I know it well, I take you for no beast. Believe me, Master Doctor,
denial and reason are two main grounds; stand upon them, and you
cannot err. Your case, Master Purge?
PURGE
First take your fee, Master [Poppin], that you may have the more
feeling, and urge it home when you come to't. Mine is a discovery
of my wife's iniquity at the Family of Love.
DRYFAT
Otherwise called the House of Venery, where they hunger and thirst
for't.
PURGE
True, sir; you have heard of the Hole in the Wall, where they
assemble together in the day-time, like so many bees under a hive?
DRYFAT
Come home crura thymo plena, and lodge among hornets, is't
not so?
PURGE
I cannot tell, sir; but for my part, I am much noted as I go.
DRYFAT
No doubt of that, sir; your wife can furnish you with notes out
of her cotations.
CLUB
Ay, and give him a two-tagged point to tie 'em together.
DRYFAT
But how came you to detect her?
PURGE
Why, thus, sir: getting the word, I dogged her to the Family where,
closing with her, I whispered so pleasing a tale in her ear that
I got from her her wedding ring; and here 'tis.
DRYFAT
Well, out of that ring we will wring matter that shall carry meat
i' th' mouth. But what witness or proof can you produce to make
good your wife's iniquity and your own cuckoldry?
PURGE
Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, who were her companions at
that same time.
DRYFAT
Very good; are they cited in the quorum nomina?
CLUB
They will be here, sir.
GLISTER
If they be, they will bewray all.
DRYFAT
So much the better; 'twill savour well for Master Purge.
PURGE
You understand my case now?
GLISTER
And mine too, sir?
DRYFAT
I do, I do; they are as different as a doctor and a dunce, a man
and a beast. Here's the compendium; yours, Master Doctor, stands
upon the negative; and yours, Master Purge, upon the affirmative;
pauca sapienti, I ha't, I ha't.
PURGE
Mine is very current, sir; I can show you good guilt.
DRYFAT
Ay, marry, there spoke an angel; gilt's current indeed; let me
feel't, let me feel't.
PURGE
I mean, my wife's guilt.
GLISTER
Master Poppin, you shall have innocence to speak for me.
DRYFAT
Tut, innocence is a fool, I care not for's company; I can speak
enough without him.
GLISTER
Then, I hope, you will be as good to us as the five-finger at
maw.
DRYFAT
No, rather as Hercules, to lip-labour 'em with the club law; tut,
let me alone.
Enter Mistress Glister, Mistress Purge and Maria.
MISTRESS GLISTER
0, you are here, sir? I have brought you a full barn to glut
your greedy appetite; if you have any maw, feed here till you
choke again. Now shall I see the whole carcass of your knavery
ripped up; if thou hast any grace, now will thy red beard turn
white upon't.
MISTRESS PURGE
0, how have I been toss'd from post to pillar
In this libidinous world. The yoke I bear
Is so uneven, as if an innocent lamb
And a mad hare-brain'd ox should draw together.
But I must have patience, there's no remedy.
DRYFAT
There's some difference between these two tempers.
GLISTER
I would give a hundred pounds my wife had so gentle a spirit.
PURGE
My wife must needs be gentle, for she can bear double.
Enter Gerardine [disguised as a doctor of law].
DRYFAT
Here comes Master Doctor; now rig up your vessels, every one to
his tackling.
GERARDINE
Good day to all at once, and peace amongst you. Fie, how I sweat;
I think Vulcan ne'er toiled so at his anvil as I have done, and
all to make maid's water to slake Cupid's fire, and to turn his
shafts from the feather-bed to the bed-post, from the heart to
the heel. Come, Master Poppin, shall we to this gear?
DRYFAT
Reverend doctor, we have stayed your coming. Crier, cry silence!
Master Doctor, I have heard in general terms the tales of Master
Doctor Glister and Master Purge, which have in mutual manner jumped
into the quagmire of my mind; out of which quagmire, by your enforcement
and mine own duty, I pluck them up by the ears, and thus, in naked
apparance, I present them.
GERARDINE
Ad rem, ad rem, Master Poppin. Leave your allegories,
your metaphors and circumlocutions, and to the point.
DRYFAT
Then briefly thus: I have compared their tales, how short they
will come of their wives' I know not; and first for Mistress Purge.
Crier, call Mistress Purge.
CLUB
Rebecca Purge, wife to Peter Purge, pothecary, appear upon thy
purgation, upon pain of excommunication.
MISTRESS PURGE
Here I am. 0 time's impiety!
Hither I come from out the harmless fold
To have my good name eaten up by wolves.
See how they grin! Well, the weak must to the wall;
I must bear wrong, but shame shall them befall.
GERARDINE
Who is her accuser?
DRYFAT
Her own husband, upon the late discovery of a crew of narrow-[ruffed], strait-laced, yet loose-bodied dames, with a
rout of omnium-gatherums, assembled by the title of the Family
of Love; which, Master Doctor, if they be not punished and suppressed
by our club law, each man's copyhold will become freehold, specialities
will turn to generalities, and so from unity to parity, from parity
to plurality, and from plurality to universality; their wives,
the only ornaments of their houses, and of all their wares, goods,
and chattel[s], the chief moveables, will be made common.
PURGE
Most voluble and eloquent proctor!
GERARDINE
Byrlady, these enormities must and shall be redressed, otherwise
I see their charter will be infringed, and their ancient staff
of government the club (from whence we derive our law of castigation),
this club, I say, they seeming nothing less than men by their
fore-part, will be turned upon their own heads. Speak, Rebecca
Purge: art thou one of this Family? Hast thou ever known the
body of any man there or elsewhere concupiscentically?
MISTRESS PURGE
No, M[aster] Doctor, those are but devices of the wicked to trap
the innocent; but I thank my spirit I have fear before my eyes,
which my husband sees not, because something hangs in's light.
PURGE
[Aside] That's my horns. She flouts me to my face, and
I will not endure it. I shall carry her mark to my grave.--Master
Doctor, she has given me that, that Aesculapius, were he now extant,
could not heal, nor edax rerum take away.
GERARDINE
Produce your witness, [Master] Purge, and blow not your own horn.
PURGE
Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, let them be called.
CLUB
Laurence Lipsalve and Gregory Gudgeon, late of hic et ubique,
in the county of nusquam, gentlemen, come into the court
and give your evidence, upon pain of that which shall ensue.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon.
GLISTER
Here they come, in pain I warrant them. How works your physic,
gallants? Do you go well to the ground? Now cuckold the doctor!
Wife, who's your first man now? Now strike with the scabbard!
Ha, ha, ha!
GUDGEON
A villainous doctor.
LIPSALVE
Mountebank, you're a rascal, and we will cast about to be revenged.
DRYFAT
Cast about this way and bewray what you can concerning Mistress
Purge, who stands here upon her purgation, either to prove mundified
or contaminated, according to the tenor-piece of your principal
evidence. First give 'em the book.
CLUB
Come, lay your hands upon the book. You shall speak and aver
no more, nor wade no farther into the cream-pots of this woman's
crime, than the naked truth and the cart-rope of your conscience
shall conduct you, so help you the contents. Kiss the book.
LIPSALVE
Alas, we are not in case to answer largely; but if you will have
our evidence in brief, I think I kissed her at the Family some
three times, once at coming, once at going, and once in the midst;
otherwise never knew her dishonestly.
PURGE
Ay, mark that middle kiss, Master Doctor.
GUDGEON
And for my part, I have been more mortified by her than ever I
was provoked.
GERARDINE
How say you to this, Master Purge? Your witness is weak, and,
sir-reverence on [it], without sounder proof, they may depart
to the close-stool whence they came, and you to your pothecary's
shop.
PURGE
No, Master Doctor, I have another bolt to shoot that shall strike
her dead; she shall not have a word to say.
DRYFAT
Answer me to this, Mistress Purge; where's your wedding ring?
MISTRESS PURGE
My wedding ring? Why, what should I do with unnecessary things
about me, when the poor begs at my gate ready to starve? Is it
not better, as I learned last lecture, to send my substance before
me, where I may find it, than to leave it behind me, where I must
forego it? Yes, verily; wherefore, to put you out of doubt, I
have given that ring to charitable uses.
DRYFAT
Nay, now she falters. My client can shew that ring, got from
her at the Family, when these two courtling[s] had at the same
time beleaguered her fort.
GERARDINE
This alters the case clean. What starting-hole ha' you now, Mistress
Purge?
MISTRESS PURGE
E'en the sanctuary of a safe conscience. Now truly, truly, however
he came by that ring, by my Sisterhood, I gave it to the relief
of the distressed Geneva.
PURGE
How! To the relief of the distressed Geneva? Justice, Master
Doctor! I may now decline victus, victa, victum; one word
more shall overthrow her. I myself was a Familist that day, who,
more jealous than zealous in devotion, thrust in amongst the rest
(as I had most right) on purpose to sound her, to find out the
knavery. Short tale to make, I got her ring, and here it is:
let her deny it if she can; and what more I discovered non
est nunc narrandi locus.
MISTRESS PURGE
Husband, I see you are hoodwinked in the right use of feeling
and knowledge, as if I knew you not then as well as the child
knows his own father! Look in the posy of my ring: does it not
tell you that we two are one flesh? And hath not fellow-feeling
taught us to know one another as well by night as by day? Husband,
husband, will you do as the blind jade, break your neck down a
hill because you see it not? Ha' you no light of nature in that
flesh of yours? Now, as true as I live, Master Doctor, I had
a secret operation, and I knew him then to be my husband e'en
by very instinct.
PURGE
Impudence, dost not blush? Art not ashamed to lie so abominable?
MISTRESS PURGE
No, husband, rather be you ashamed of your own weakness; for,
for my part, I neither fear nor shame what man can do unto me.
GERARDINE
Master Purge, I see you have spent your pith; therefore best make
a full point at the ring, and attend our pleasure. Master [Poppin],
proceed to the rest.
DRYFAT
Crier, call Doctor Glister.
CLUB
Doctor Glister, alias suppositor doctor of physic, appear upon
thy purgation, upon the belly-pain that may ensue therein.
GLISTER
Here, Master Doctor.
GERARDINE
Who is his accuser?
DRYFAT
His clamorous wife, who seems to enforce a separation about a
bastard in the country, which should be his, only fathered upon
him.
GERARDINE
What proof of that?
MISTRESS GLISTER
Proof unanswerable, Master Doctor, the nurse's letter: let it
be read; but first observe his countenance: it may be his blushing
will bewray his guilt.
GERARDINE
Now by this light, I thought it had indeed, but I see 'tis but
the reflection of his beard. Read the letter, Master [Poppin].
[DRYFAT]
[Reads] "After my hearty commendations remembered
unto your worshipful doctorship, trusting in God that you are
as well as I was at the making hereof, thanks be to him therefor.
The cause of my writing unto you at this time is to let you understand
that your little son is turned a ragged colt, a very stripling;
for, being now stripped of all his clothing, his backside wants
a tail-piece, commends itself to your fatherly consideration.
Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a child that came
in at the window, God knows how. Yet if you did but see how like
the pert, little, red-headed knave is to his father, and how like
a cock-sparrow he mouses and touses my little Bess already, you
would take him for your own, and pay me my hire. I write not
of the want of one thing, for I want all things; wherefore take
some speedy order, or else as naked as he came from the mother
will I send him to the father. From Pis. the xxii of --
Your poor nurse, Thomasine Tweedles."
GLISTER
Master Doctor, truth needs not the foil of rhetoric; I will only
in monosyllaba answer for myself, as sometimes a wise man
did: such and such things are laid to my charge, which I deny;
you may think of me what you please, but I am as innocent in this
as the child new-born.
GERARDINE
Why, there's partly a confession. The child we know is innocent,
and not new-born neither, for it should seem by the letter he
is able to call his dad knave.
GLISTER
You take me wrong, Master [Doctor].
DRYFAT
Under correction, thus much can I say for my client's justification:
indeed he hath travelled well in the beating of pulses, and hath
been much conversant in women's jordans; but he had ever a care
to raise his patient being before cast down. His charitable disposition
hath been such to poor folk, that he never took above fourpence
for the casting of a water, which good custom was so well known
among all his patients, that if sixpence were at any time offered
him, they might be bold to ask and have twopence again. He hath
been so skilful and painful withal in the cure of the green sickness,
that, of my knowledge, he hath risen at all hours in the night
to pleasure maids that have had it. And for that foul-mouthed disease, termed by a fine phrase--a pox on't, what
d'ye call't? 0, the grincomes--at that he hath played his doctor's
prize, and writes nil ultra to all [mountebanks]; so that
the wise woman in Pissing Alley, nor she in Do-little Lane, are
more famous for good deeds than he. Then, Master Doctor, out
of these presumptions, besides his flat denial (a more infallible
ground), you may gather his innocence, and let him have his purgation.
GERARDINE
No, Master [Poppin], it is not so to be foisted off.
MISTRESS GLISTER
Nay, Master Doctor, what say you to his own niece, that looks
big upon him? An arrow that sticks for the upshot against all
comers; which by his restraint of her from Master Gerardine, an
honest gentleman that loved her, and upon that colour from the
sight and intercourse of other men, must by all presumptions be
his own act.
GERARDINE
0 monstrous! This [is] a foul blot in your tables indeed.
GLISTER
Wife, thou hast no shame nor womanhood in thee; thy conscience
knows me.
MISTRESS GLISTER
True of thy flesh, who knows not that? Thy beard speaks for thee.
Ay, ay, thou liest by me like a stone, but abroad th'art like
a stone-horse, you old [limb]-lifter!
DRYFAT
Cease your clamour, and attend my speech. Most worshipful, reverend
and judicial doctor, for the quickening of your memory I will
give you a breviat of all that hath been spoken. Master Doctor
Glister hath a cradleful and a bellyful, you see, thrust upon
him; and Master Purge a headful. Your wife is an angry honeyless
wasp, whose sting I hope you need not fear, and yours carries
honey in her mouth, but her sting makes your forehead swell.
Your wife makes you deaf with the shrill treble of her tongue;
and yours makes you horn-mad with the tenor of her tale. In fine,
Master Doctor's refuge is his conscience, and Master Purge runs
at his wife's ring.
GERARDINE
Summa totalis, a good audit ha' you made, Master [Poppin].
Now attend my arbitrement. For you gallants, though you have
incurred the danger of the law by using counterfeit keys, and
putting your hands into the wrong pocket, yet because I see you
punished and purged already, my advice is, that you learn the
A B C of better manners. Go back and tell how you have been used
in the city; and being thus scoured, keep yourselves clean and
the bed undefiled. For you, Master Purge, because I see your
evidence insufficient, and indeed too weak, to foil your wife's
uprightness, and seeing jealousy and unkindness hath only made
her a stranger in your land of Ham, my counsel is that you readvance
your standard, give her new press-money.
PURGE
You may enjoin me, sir, but--
GERARDINE
But not at me, man; I will enjoin you, and conjoin you, and briefly
thus: you have your ring that has made this combustion and uproar;
that keep still: wear it; and here, by my edict, be it proclaimed
to all that are jealous, to wear their wives' ring still on their
fingers, as best for their security, and the only charm against
cuckoldry.
PURGE
Then, wife, at Master Doctor's enjoinment, so thou wilt promise
me to come no more at the Family, I receive thee into the lists
of my favour.
MISTRESS PURGE
Truly husband, my love must be free still to God's creatures;
yea, nevertheless preserving you still as the head of my body,
I will do as the spirit shall enable me.
GERARDINE
Go to; thou hast a good wife, and there an end. Upon you, Master
Doctor, being solicited by so apparent proof, I can do no less
than pronounce a severe sentence. And yet, i'faith, the reverence
of your calling and profession doth somewhat check my austerity;
what if Master Gerardine, by my persuasion, would yet be induced
to take your niece, and father the child? Would you launch with
a thousand pound, besides her father's portion?
GLISTER
Master Doctor, I would, were it but to redeem her lost good name.
GERARDINE
Then, foreknowing what would happen, I thought good, in Master
Gerardine's name, to have this bond ready, which if you seal to,
he shall take her with all faults.
GLISTER
That will I instantly. [Seals the bond] So, this is done;
which together with my niece do I deliver by these presents to
the use of Master Gerardine.
GERARDINE
He thanks you heartily, and lets you know,
Gerardine, Dryfat and Club discover themselves.
That Indian mines and Tagus' glistering ore
To this bequest were unto me but poor.
GLISTER
What? Gerardine, Dryfat and Club!
DRYFAT AND CLUB
The very same. You are welcome to our club law!
GERARDINE
Cease admiration here. What doubt remains
I'll satisfy at full. Now join with me
For approbation of our Family.
Exeunt.
The Family of Love was first published in quarto (Q) in
1608. It is included in Bullen's works of 1885-86, and is one
of the Nottingham Drama Texts, edited by Simon Shepherd in 1979. (To the right, a didactic ballad c. 1575, which reads, "A Short Instruction of an Household Father in the Community of the Love of Jesu Christ: O ye beloved children and thou family of love, respect well this good doctrine and exhortation...".)
It's extremely difficult--if not impossible--to reach a wholly satisfactory answer to the question of authorship of The Family of Love. Indeed, almost all hypotheses concede that the play's compositional history is complex. Of all the attribution studies on The Family of Love, David Lake's in The Canon of Thomas Middleton's Plays is the most convincing; for me it explained my first reaction, that this play doesn't sound like Middleton's. He concludes from the internal evidence (grammatical peculiarities, topical allusions, etc.) that this play went through three versions: 1) a 1602-03 draft by Middleton, possibly with minor help from Dekker, 2) revisions and/or additions in mid-1605 by Dekker, 3) further revision for the King's Revels' company in 1607 by Lording Barry. Lake's analysis is fascinatingly thorough and thoroughly fascinating, and I urge you to consult his book for the particularities of this and other investigations.
In the following notes, I will frequently refer to Ram Alley, Barry's comedy of 1608 and The Family of Love's twin in terms of linguistic style.
The Family of Love takes its title from the Familists, a radical religious sect forced underground by the intolerance of the Elizabethan and Jacobean courts and society in general. Under their leader Henry Niclaes, the Familists rejected institutionalized religion, believing that individuals could realize God's divinity within themselves. The political corollary was social equality and a rejection of monarchy; to them, a king was "the scum of ignorance." Personal possessions were shared by all members, and divorces within the Family were easily granted. It is not surprising then that their emphasis on personal fulfillment, their proto-Communism, and their laxity regarding marriage led to their being characterized as a hedonistic cult of free love. (Dryfat's speech in V.iii. about the "narrow-[ruffed], strait-laced, yet loose-bodied dames" is a good encapsulation of the Jacobean opinion.
Glister: 1) enema, 2) glisterpipes, organ pipes, a connection to Puritanism, 3) possibly glisten, with reference to his beard. Cf. Anything for a Quiet Life V.i., A Trick to Catch the Old One V.ii, The Old Law III.ii.
Purge: The following definitions of "purge" apply either to the apothecary or his wife: 1) in medicine, to relieve the bowels by evacuation, 2) in religion, to make free from moral or spiritual defilement, 3) in law, to clear oneself of a charge or suspicion of guilt, or to atone by expiation and submission
Dryfat: a storage vessel
Lipsalve: flattery
Gudgeon: a person easily fooled or cheated
[Shrimp]: Smelt (Q), although Shrimp elsewhere in text: evidence of revision
Periwinkle: named for the sea snail, not for the evergreen plant with blue flowers Preface
too late is this work published: This is the first clue that the play was written considerably earlier than 1608, enough time for it to have fallen off in popularity. The title page of Q says that The Family of Love was "Acted by the Children of his Maiesties Reuells", which did not exist before 1607.
termers: those who have come to London for any of the four law terms; cf. my notes to Michaelmas Term
chapmen: purchasers
censure: judgment
vox populi: the voice of the people
vox Dei: the voice of God
Prologue
If, for opinion hath not blaz'd his fame: This line is not part of a couplet, and the pronoun is missing its antecedent; both facts point to textual corruption.
those which seek t'attain the same: a good indication that this is the prologue of the original 1602-03 version, when Middleton was just attaining fame
I.i.
statutes: Statute merchant and statute staple were bonds sworn before officers of the Staple allowing the creditor to seize the debtor's land; Glister lodges this complaint again to Dryfat.
great-breeched: According to the fashion, breeches were puffed out to a large size by insertions of wool or other material, called bombast, from which comes the modern sense of the word. Cf. the title page to A Fair Quarrel.
a fool's paradise: proverbial; paradise = vagina (slang). Cf. Romeo and Juliet II.iv.
axe: ask
Aries the Ram: the ram's horns indicating cuckoldry
overture: overthrow
enlarge: with the bawdy overtones. This is also the first example of the use of spatial metaphors for love and sex throughout the play.
vadeth: passes away (from Lat. vado)
I.ii.
tall: prominent
[a]: to (Q); "creeping to cross" was a Catholic ceremony of penance.
the left-side place: the evil or unlucky side; cf. "sinister"
giglot: a wanton woman
wagtail: another term for a wanton woman
gill: wench
This is the abstract of the spacious world: cf. King John II.i.
A valued price to her invalued worth: i.e., a price equal to her pricelessness
[friend]: fend (Q)
nil muliere levius: nothing lighter than a woman (Lat.)
rack-rent: extortionate rent, here at a premium
term-time: Law courts were in session during four terms: Hilary Term, Easter Term, Trinity Term, and Michaelmas Term. Cf. my notes to Michaelmas Term.
[pitchy]: pithie (Q)
[GUDGEON]: assigned to Maria in Q, but obviously this is one of the asides that are often bandied back and forth between Lipsalve and Gudgeon, here breaking up the iambic pentameter lines of the lovers.
[ladder'd]: lathered (Q)
[LIPSALVE]: Gerardine's lines from "O perfection..." to "shows--" (Q); again, note the broken iambic pentameter line.
apparance: appearance
instance: proof
Huguenot: I.e., Huguenot women are not tempted because they are not kept from flesh. (Huguenots were militant Protestants, disobeying the Catholic rule to abstain from meat on Fridays.)
angels: An angel was a gold coin worth ten shillings. Gudgeon's pun means that money can buy everything.
curst: shrewish
I'll thither...that's flat: Because this is the line that closes the scene, it is tempting (although inadvisable) to recognize the couplet: "I'll thither: perhaps I may prove of the frat-/Ernity in time; we'll thither, that's flat."
Bocardo: a debtor's prison
grincomes: venereal disease
Their first oath: A courtier's constant swearing was the subject of many a joke; compare this speech to Touchstone's in As You Like It I.ii.
yeomen and farmers' sons: Many yeoman farmers and their sons were rising in status at this time; cf. The Phoenix II.ii.
Welshmen: noted for their social pretension
cross: a coin with a cross inscribed
by [ ]: "So the old ed., the author having used some expression which the printer was afraid to insert. Copies of earlier plays frequently occur in which words have been struck through with a pen, perhaps by some public authority..." (Dyce). Shepherd surmises it might be an invitation for the actor to insert his own oath.
incumbrances: debts
merchant staplers: the leading body of merchants in a town
how goes the squares: i.e., "how goes the game", a chessboard being made of squares
Sampson: Sampson, now lost, was acted in July 1602 by a boys' company, evidence of the first draft of The Family of Love.
bear the town gates on his neck: cf. Love's Labours Lost I.ii.
whole new livery of porters set their shoulders: A ballad about the porters' new organization, "A New Ballad, Composed in Commendation of the Society, or Company of the Porters" by Thomas Brewer, was entered in the Stationers' Register in June 1605, evidence of the first revision. The woodcut from the broadside of this ballad depicts three porters, the first standing idly with an empty basket, the second walking with it heavily loaded, and the third setting out in holiday costume for a meeting of his society. The legends above each figure are, "At the first went we, as here you see," "But since our Corporation, on this fashion," "And to our Hall, thus we go all."
prime church of Ephesus by the elders: Shepherd cites Acts xix.31, which tells of St. Paul in Ephesus being warned of the theaters; prime church = the Bible.
presents: presence (Q)
standing cup: a cup with a stem; both bequests are phallic-shaped.
closestool: a box with a seat and lid, like a chamberpot, for use in a sick room
[sustain]: sustained (Q)
[shoes]: showes (Q); "shoes" and "shows" were often confused by printers. Cf. King John II.i. for a similar editorial problem.
consort: band of musicians
grounds: players of the basic melody
minikin: fiddle
II.i.
II.ii.
glazed: painted with cosmetics
[lovely]: lively (Q)
II.iii.
[thine]: then (Q)
rundlets: casks of liquid
rogation: Shepherd glosses “rogue-ation, i.e., beggar’s activity,” but more accurately, Lipsalve has borrowed “rogation” from the solemn supplications consisting of the litany of the saints, chanted during procession on the three days before Ascension Day.
state tale: affairs of state
gird: gibe
Brussels: held by Spain in its war with England, and the site of negotiations in January 1604.
[leaves him]: loues theame (Q)
fox-fur: associated with usury
[and liberality gives money for scrips and scrolls, sealed]: giues mony for Scrips and Scrolls, & liberality seald (Q)
ruffs: The Familists are "narrow-ruffed" (V.iii.).
lectuary: a fusion of electuary and lechery
soluble: free (as from constipation)
prevent: anticipate
smell-smock: licentious man (cf. Ram Alley)
head: in the bawdy sense
&c.: The actor would improvise here.
sede vacante: the place being vacant (Lat.)
II.iv.
prick and praise: praise; prick = bullseye, here with the bawdy pun
niceness: coyness
Respectless: Dyce (and Bullen) omit this word in deference to the meter, claiming the author forgot to erase it.
riding the ring: riding around the sporting arena, with the bawdy pun of ring = vagina. This pun appears later, especially in an extended usage regarding Mistress Purge's wedding ring.
quilted calves: It was fashionable to pad the hose to accentuate the calf muscles.
sect: sex
Elysiums...describe: cf. 3 Henry VI I.ii.
[satiety]: society (Q)
[Vial]: Wall (Q)
[VIAL]: In Q the speech prefixes change to Nun. (for Nuntius), another example of revision.
footcloth: ornate cloth laid over a horse, a sign of dignity
What should he be for a man?: What man should he be?
woodcock: a bird easily trapped, hence a gull
[endear]: endeauour (Q)
vessel of ease: cf. the infamous "chair of ease" in A Game at Chess, a chair with a hole cut in the seat
[Servant]: One (Q)
firk: cheat
peize: weigh down
love suppress'd fares like a raging fire: cf. Two Gentlemen of Verona II.vii.
love will creep where 'tis restrain'd to go: cf. Two Gentlemen of Verona IV.ii.
prevented: anticipated
cautelous: cautious
Peace: Dyce's and Bullen's emendation to "Place" is tempting, especially in light of the next lines of Act III, as well as the possible argument that this exchange between Gerardine and Maria in II.iv. has just happened in the room where the trunk was left and that for III.i. it has been moved to Maria's room, a place "more fitting" to Gerardine's mind. (Bullen assumes, however, that when Gerardine first emerges the trunk has been moved and we are supposed to be in Maria's room, even though Bullen does not break up the scene.) But this reason to emend "Peace" to "Place" is not strong enough. Not unexpectedly, Q does not indicate precisely in which room the action takes place or when, if at all, the trunk is moved to Maria's room; ultimately this is an issue more for directors than editors, and involves a modern bias toward realism that the staging of the time did not have. (Cf. Dyce's comments on locations in III.i. later.) Also involved with a willful suspension of disbelief (or could it be, like the overly ornate rhetorical style, a satire of a device used in romantic love plots?) is the fact that before he assumes his disguises, Gerardine when hiding spends all of his time in the trunk!
III.i.
Argus' wakeful eyes: A giant with a hundred eyes, who was set to watch Io; Hermes killed him, and his eyes were put into the peacock's tail.
turns to us his front: offers opportunity
little-ease: a small apartment in a prison
uneven: unjust
wolves that in sheepskin bands: lawyers or scriveners; sheepskin bands = parchment bonds
let me give more scope to true desire: cf. Ram Alley, "then give thy love free scope"; "scope" recurs throughout the play.
[act]: art (Q)
[beleaguer'd]: beleagued (Q)
ore: mouth or voice (Lat.)
in re: with reference to which (Lat.)
Which I in Chaucer-style do term a jest: The jest is the bawdy association of O with the vagina and the pun on "stands." Middleton links Chaucer to lewdness in More Dissemblers besides Women I.iv. and No Wit, No Help like a Woman's II.i.
Monstrum horrendum: Terrible monster (Lat.)
Exit with Maria: I have followed the stage directions in Q. Here the lovers exit and reappear on the upper stage above the tiring house, a place identified in I.ii. as (and in V.ii. assumed to be) Maria's room (her "window"). If one wants to block the play from a perspective of realism, one would either 1) argue from this association that III.i. would begin downstairs in Glister's house, with the lovers reappearing above just outside Maria's room, or 2) split the scene in two as Dyce does: "Here [at the start of III.i.] the spectators were to suppose that Gerardine and Maria, standing on the upper-stage, were either in the apartment of the latter, or in the gallery communicating with it: when Lipsalve had entered, they were to suppose that the stage represented a street; and when Gerardine and Maria had reappeared 'above,' they were to suppose that the upper-stage was a window. Having found it necessary to begin a new scene with the entrance of Lipsalve, I hope my readers will be kind enough to suppose that, when Gerardine says 'Who comes here,' he happens to turn his eye towards the window, and catches a glimpse of that gallant." Indeed, Lipsalve and Shrimp would appear to be outdoors if the "sign" to which Shrimp refers is a star or constellation, but the "sign" may merely be an extension of the archery metaphor if he is referring to Maria as the "target" of Lipsalve's love, and he brings up Gemini merely to pun on Lipsalve being dressed like Gerardine. Again, this is a problem only for a modern director or a reader seeking realism, and so I see no need to reconstruct the text.
loose: in archery, the discharging of an arrow
lean: 1) thin, 2) not erect
subaudi: understand, read
subintelligitur: implied addition to a statement
bruited: rumored
tenters: framework to prevent drying cloth from shrinking
cottons: prospers
nap: pile on the cloth
tender: cherish
caudle: warm drink of gruel and ale or wine
in my t'other hose: proverbial. Cf. Blurt, Master Constable II.ii., where the meaning is something like, "not if I can help it."
lavender: "To lay in lavender" is a cant term for "to pawn."
nothing for a new courtier: Perhaps Dyce's emendation is preferable: "nothing new for a courtier."
cullis: strong broth, given to the sick
Petronel Flashes: boastful gallants (petronel = blunderbuss); cf. the character in Eastward Ho.
o' the hoigh: excited
lead apes in hell: the proverbial fate of spinsters; cf. Much Ado about Nothing II.i.
abrupt: separated
consummate: complete discussion of
[our]: nor (Q)
III.ii.
link: torch
collowest: begrimes
pure: possibly a misprint for "purge", which would allow for all the various meanings mentioned above
rine: rind
exercise: Puritanical term for a weekday sermon
by night: The Familists did meet at night.
Organs: As part of established church ceremony, organs were rejected by Puritans. There is, of course, the bawdy pun.
Marry: an oath derived from the name of the Virgin Mary, hence also rejected
thing: with the sexual pun on penis
stand: with the sexual pun
red letter: used to indicate saints' days on the ecclesiastical calendar, a "red-letter man" was a Catholic
clergy: scholarship
word for your admittance: Members were admitted only after giving the passwords "A Brother (or Sister) in Christ."
much made on: heartily welcomed
gear: business
shore up: lift up
put in: with the sexual innuendo that leads to the multiplication of their numbers
private lecturing: Lecturers were independent Protestant preachers, but the innuendo is "extramarital affair."
gadders: those who go about looking for pleasure or excitement
grow up...Sincerity: the most apropos passage I can find is Psalm 92.12-14: "The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree: he shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon. Those that be planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish in the courts of our God. They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing."
trunks: Bullen glosses as "pea-shooters"; the image is sexual.
Loquor lapides: Do I speak gems (of wisdom)? The following sentence has a similar meaning: pills = words that are not easy to take but are meant to treat the disease of cuckoldry.
III.iii.
all things squared by the doctor's rule: cf. Ram Alley: "It is the rule that squares..."
Hei mihi, quod nullis amor est medicabilis herbis: "Alas, that love is curable by no medical herbs" Metamorphosis I.523.
emparadize: with the bawdy innuendo (paradise = vagina); cf. I.i.
barriers: martial sport
Clogmathos: The following "mystical" cant is probably nonsense. Shepherd glosses garre = growl, garray = disturbance. Much of it is bastardized Greek, but I found nothing conclusive: clagge' = clang, din; ton = his; tu'phos = typhus; tupho'nas = typhoon.
Gogs nowns: God's wounds
Cornelius' tub: Cornelius Agrippa invented the sweating tub to cure venereal disease.
suppositor: suppository
recumbentibus: strong blow
paraperopandentical: The precise meaning is not clear, although para = beyond, per = utterly, pan = entirely, and dentical = of teeth(?), toothsome(?). The adjective indicates extremity; there may be overtones of "pedantic."
cockatrice: prostitute
III.iv.
cincture: embrace
Phitonessa: the witch of Endor
earnest: pledge (her pregnancy)
thine aim: thy plot, thine aim (Q)
innated: innate
cue: pun on "Q" (vagina); cf. Ram Alley: "And old men know their Q's...."
IV.i.
Norfolk: It's difficult to tell what the allusion is, given no context and no precise compositional date. Shepherd offers the 1605 appointment of Catholic and pro-Spanish Henry Howard to the post of Lord Lieutenant.
band: ruff
corner-cap: bishop's miter
powdered: salted
blew her nose: Sneezing was a sign of the Devil; blowing the nose was voluntary.
Guttide, Hollantide or Candletide: Shrove Tuesday, All Hallows (November 1), and Candlemas (February 2)
Michaeltide: Michaelmas (September 29)
[courtlike]: courttake (Q)
company: The apothecaries became a City Company in 1606.
[GUDGEON]: no speech prefix given in Q
edifying: with the sexual innuendo
nice: shy
[Galen]: Gallus (Q); 2nd century physician. "The College of Physicians, which rivaled the apothecaries, was devoted to Galen. It might not be wrong here to see the traditionally more backward apothecary showing off his learning and laying claim to the medical authority of Galen" (Shepherd).
Paracelsus: Swiss physician and natural philosopher (1490-1541)
[five]: fine (Q)
Holborn Bridge: an ancient bridge of London, over the Fleet Ditch. I've not been able to discover the identity of Titus Silus.
say, "Q.d.": say, qd-- (Q). Q.d. = quasi dicat, "as if one should say" (Lat.).
IV.ii.
Delphian archer: Apollo killed the dragon Python, which guarded Delphos.
take the foil: be defeated
[His]: This (Q)
Tyrian queen: Europa, daughter of Agenor, king of Tyre
northern landlord: Almost immediately after he was crowned, James I began conferring many new knighthoods, considered lavish and undiscriminating by those who felt that these "carpet knights" cheapened the rank.
clack-dish: a wooden dish carried by beggars, with a moveable cover which made noise and attraceted passers-by
Placket: an opening in a skirt, hence slang for vagina
paritor: An apparitor was a summoning officer of an ecclesiastical court.
[I play]: he plaies (Q)
proctor: an attorney in a court of civil or canon law
[crier]: Parritor (Q); the textual confusion over who plays what role is a result of revision.
[crier]: Sumner (Q)
time out of sight: It is time for me to be gone.
[perfection]: affection (Q)
celsitude: eminence
repercussive: reflecting
[gazers']: gazer (Q)
when Egeon's hill: when first Egeons hill (Q); Egeon, or Briareus, one of the hundred-handed monsters that helped against the Titans, was thrown under Mount Etna.
[do]: and (Q)
IV.iii.
ground: rely
cited: excited
square: quarrel; cf. A Midsummer Night's Dream II.i.
turned his bald side: given no opportunity, i.e., no forelock to grasp
bolt: confess
smock-frock: smock = woman, hence the pun on bearing
Nebulo: nebula (Lat.) = vapor, mist
twelve: "The number of livery companies of London; more importantly, on James' accession the Elizabethan Privy Council of approximately twelve was enlarged (with Scots and Catholics...), making it twenty-four" (Shepherd).
startups: 1) upstarts, 2) boots worn by countrymen
warden: member of a governing body of a guild
Curtal: A curtal is a castrated horse.
bummed: 1) beaten, 2) padded out; Gerardine then offers his buttocks for Mistress Glister to kiss. Cf. Pompey in Measure in Measure II.i.
Sir-reverence: 1) apologies (a corruption of "save your reverence"), 2) excrement
[Tweedles]: Sweedless (Q)
child that came in at the window: bastard
quean: whore
stone blind: 1) completely blind, 2) sexually unaware (stone = testicle)
IV.iv.
[seiz'd]: feard (Q)
Europa's sea-form: form = seat; Europa was carried over the waters to Crete riding upon Jove, who was in the shape of a bull. From the bull's horns comes the allusion to cuckold's horns.
acrostic: crossed
Lower House: the Lower House of Convocation, which was drawing up a code of ecclesiastical law in 1604
[GUDGEON]: no speech prefix in Q
pile: heraldic design shaped like a V, hence horns
manable: of marriageable age. Bullen glosses as bold, brisk (?), Shepherd as skillful with hands (?).
posy: emblem, inscription
trow: think you
boys...What: boyes, Shrimpe what (Q)
[Shrimp]: Periwincle (Q)
Poppin: puppet
white sheet: worn as penance for fornication
taken tardy: discovered
grey groat: something of little value
quorum nomina: names of whom (are to be arraigned) (Lat.)
commissioners: magistrates
Th[r]um: the loose end of a thread; cf. A Midsummer Night's Dream V.i.
bellman: night watchman
V.i.
colour: pretense
urinal: a vessel for the inspection of urine by physicians; cf. The Merry Wives of Windsor II.iii. References connecting doctors and urinals was common, but Shepherd notes that in 1601 the College of Physicians cast doubt on this method of diagnosis.
rouse your spirits into circles: A spirit was conjured within a circle and was thus not able to hurt the conjurer.
red beard: associated with licentiousness (also true for "gold" beards, cf. later in the scene); cf. Ram Alley
traces: lines attaching horses to coach
caparison: cloth over a horse's saddle
eggs and muskadine: believed to be an aphrodisiac
loadstone: something that attracts, here Glister's red beard
cucking-stool: dunking stool
steep rods in piss: soaking the rods made the whipping more painful
case: with a pun on vagina; cf. Ram Alley
bawdy court: the church (as opposed to the common law) court, which examined beggars
medley: variegated, hence greyed
fear no colours: fear no enemy (a military expression)
Doctor Doddipoll: thick-headed person
questuary: profitable (Lat. quaestus = profit)
wind-colic: flatulence
stone-colic: kidney stones or venereal disease
O P Q: with the bawdy puns; cf. Twelfth Night II.v.
horn-book: primer, with the cuckoldry pun
philosopher: Democritus. "The aphorism has a bawdy meaning; by having sex with ('knowing') everybody they contract syphilis, which destroys the genitals ('no-thing')" (Shepherd).
livery: citizenry
scot and lot: municipal tax
main: target
lust must have his fill: Bullen notes a similar plot device in Massinger's Parliament of Love.
V.ii.
liberal: gossiping
[Deeply]: Deadly (Q)
round: patrol
word: watchword
[nor]: now (Q)
Infinity of love: cf. Two Gentlemen of Verona II.vii.
V.iii.
club law: enforcement of law with the club; the play Club Law (performed 1597-98) also ends with a trial scene. As usual, the bawdy pun on "club" runs throughout this scene.
statute-caps: A 1571 Act of Parliament ordered citizens to wear woolen caps on Sundays and holidays.
qualify: regulate
book-cases: legal precedent
pack-staff: the staff on which a pedlar carried his pack
quiddits: subtleties
pedlar's French: the cant language of thieves
laying on load: dealing heavy blows
costards: heads; cf. the character in Love's Labours Lost
lupus est in fabula: "Speak of the wolf and he will appear" was proverbial.
smock law: law of women, as opposed to the club law, the law of men; it doesn't take a feminist critic to figure out the sexual politics here.
[Poppin]: Exigent (Q), here and later, evidence of the final revision, according to Lake. An exigent was an officer in the Court of Common Pleas.
attone: reconcile
Ambodexter: one who takes bribes from both sides (Law)
in tenebris: in darkness (Lat.)
box: fight
sackbut: a bass trumpet with a slide for altering the pitch; Shepherd sees a pun on "butt of sack."
cum nemini obtrudi potest: "with no one else upon which to unload it" (Lat.), from Terence's The Lady of Andros
Hole in the Wall: traditional name of a pub
crura thymo plena: legs full of honey
cotations: notes of what passed at the meeting; Puritans took notes at sermons.
two-tagged points: Points were used to fasted clothes; two-tagged = double-dealing.
bewray: 1) betray, 2) beray (defile)
compendium: summary
pauca sapienti: a few (words) for the wise (Lat.)
five-finger: five of trumps
maw: a game played with 36 cards
lip-labour: talk nonsense, kiss
Ad rem: to it (Lat.)
[ruffed]: Rusty (Q)
omnium-gatherums: miscellaneous people
copyhold will become freehold: Copyhold is land not controlled by the tenant; in a freehold the tenant is the owner. Cf. The Phoenix IV.ii.
this club...own heads: I.e., if the lifestyle of the Familists (especially the sharing of wives) is allowed to prevail, men (as they seem so by their codpieces) will be beat with own (phallic) clubs.
Aesculapius: the Greek god of medicine
edax rerum: the devourer of affairs, i.e., Time
hic et ubique: here and everywhere (Lat.)
nusquam: nowhere (Lat.)
cast: 1) devise, 2) vomit
mundified: cleansed
tenor-piece: tenor, meaning
starting-hole: loop-hole; cf. The Phoenix I.ii., 1 Henry IV II.iv.
relief of the distressed Geneva: The siege of Geneva by Charles Emmanuel of Savoy lasted from December 1602 to July 1603. The allusion also exists in Ram Alley.
victus, victa, victum: defeated (Lat.)
non est nunc narrandi locus: now is not the place for telling (Lat.)
as well as the child knows his own father: cf. 1 Henry IV II.iv.
operation: revelation
full point at the ring: an allusion to the sport of Running at the Ring, where the tilter tried to thrust the point of his lance through a suspended ring; again, a sexual pun on ring
[Dryfat]: Club (Q)
tail-piece: shirt-tail, with the bawdy pun
sparrow: a symbol of lechery
mouse: toy wantonly with
Pis.: possibly the Pissing Alley from Dryfat's later speech
[Doctor]: proctor (Q)
jordans: vessels used by physicians and alchemists for the diagnosis of urine; chamber-pots; cf. 1 Henry IV II.i.
green sickness: an anemic disease affecting adolescent girls
played his doctor's prize: "The expression play a prize belonged to the fencing-schools, where the prizes were for the degrees of master, provost, and scholar" (Bullen).
nil ultra: nothing besides (Lat.)
[mountebanks]: Bountibanckes
upshot: the final shot in an archery match
tables: account
[limb]-lifter: Time-lifter (Q)
land of Ham: place of peace and fertility (cf. 1 Chronicles iv.40); pun on ham (= loins)
press-money: money paid to a soldier upon joining up, with a bawdy pun on "press"
Tagus: a river in Lusitania
Epilogue
Epilogue: Bullen notes that the epilogue is spoken by Gerardine; no indication for this is given, but it makes sense.
touch: touchstone
[sweetens]: sweetnesse (Q)